Long Hollow

Friday the 13th

Up late last night, writing and coming through on a months-old promise of photos to a sweet friend.

Reset alarm, later, later. Finally staggered out of bed at 6am to kiss Tom before he hit the road.

"Happy Anniversary!" he tells me.

My sleepy brain scrambles for the meaning behind his words. Through the fog, it hits me... Today must be a Friday the 13th, just like the day we got married almost 30 years ago.

And he remembered.

That's just one reason I love him.

 

It was a beautiful Friday the 13th for me. I hope it was for you, too!

Looking Back, Looking Forward

"A writer is somebody for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people."

~ Thomas Mann

If that's so, then I'm definitely a writer. There are times when writing isn't just difficult for me - it's pure hell.

But other times it's heaven, and that's why I stand here in January of 2012, once again repeating the mantra from past New Year's resolutions: finish my book... finish my book... finish my book...

In terms of writing, my 2011 looked a lot - too much - like 2010, 2009, 2008...

It's time to review what I've learned over my two decades or so of writing. I need to figure out what helps, and do more of that, while clearing the hurdles that are keeping me from the finish line.

Let's see... I've learned I need big chunks of time for writing. My writing can't thrive and grow on the handfuls of stolen minutes I've been feeding it for years.

I've learned multitasking is my enemy. I have to close all those extra windows on my computer that tempt me... Facebook being the main culprit, but email and even research sites can be time-sucking tempters.

Other things I've learned: I compare myself to others too often; I need the challenge, support and feedback of a writer's group; I have a problem with finishing what I start... and starting too many things.

On the 'up' side, I'm much better at saying 'no'. Housework, bills, laundry, cooking... I can easily shove the thought of them into a closet and forget they exist. Wearing earplugs helps me do the same with any nearby conversations or television noise. (I work at a desktop in the open livingroom.)

My biggest challenge for 2012? Finding a balance and setting priorities between all of my different interests/callings/projects... writing my book(s), blogging, photography, and my seed of a personal history/photography business... while not neglecting my family, friends and health.

Pretty much the same challenge I faced last year. And the year before. And the year before.

I hope that by next January, I can adopt a new mantra. At least for a different book.

Gifts

O Sunrise, 
splendor of light eternal and sun of righteousness:
Come and enlighten those who dwell in darkness 
and the shadow of death.

This sunrise was a gift, a splash of tangerine through my window reminding me that light conquers darkness, that each new day is a promise fulfilled, a gift to savor.

I rose at 4:30 this morning to write... a gift to myself but also to my family who has handed me the gift of flexible time and relative freedom to work on my creative pursuits, despite the echo of an empty bank account that goes with them. 

I owe it to them to face the empty pages head-on, to pull the right words out of my dreamy head and arrange them on the page the best I can, instead of just chasing them around in that dreamland of my imagination.

And I owe it to myself, because this isn't a pretty knick-knack you place on a shelf and admire, but the kind of gift you try to use up, the kind that won't last forever.

It's a gift I've wished for for so long that I've been hesitant to open it, as if I feared the beautiful thing inside wouldn't fit me.

I've wasted time fiddling with the ribbons, but not any more. This week I'm ripping into it, no longer worried about whether it will fit, but determined to make it my own.

I'm adding structure to my dreamland. No more vague boundaries between projects... I'm keeping track of my time, submerging myself in one venture at a time as much as possible, finding a balance between creative and business. 

No more multi-tasking, but pure focus on whatever I'm working on.

I've stepped back into my children's book; it's the closest to being finished and it just makes more sense to dress it up, slick back its cowlick,  and ship it off to a potential agent or two... and then get back to my historical fiction, where the research has become a bog, slowing my progress.

Besides... I missed my characters (Winston, Eddie, Reed and Nate) and felt guilty that I just left them hanging, poor kids. I could hear them calling my name every once in awhile, but like a busy mother told them, Not now. Go play.

I think they've forgiven me for neglecting them. They were a little stingy with the story yesterday, but today seemed to forget they were mad.... we had a pretty exciting morning!

I haven't forgotten my personal history business, but it's like a model plane I began building but had to set aside, without its wings.

This afternoon I spent a few hours transcribing those interviews with my parents from the summer. I love listening to their voices, hearing stories I've never heard, imagining them in their other lives, those aside from being Mama and Daddy.

It takes time, but to me, it's worth it. Their stories are a treasured gift to myself. I need to get this plane off the ground and help others discover the same treasure... the treasure of family stories. So a block of my day, or at least my week, is devoted to it, too.

I'm able to do all of this during the week before Christmas because TG and Daniel helped me decorate the house and tree. My cards are ordered - they'll go out after Christmas, but that's okay - the Christmas season runs into January. The Epiphany.

We have a "no-bought-gift" policy this year, so no frantic last minute shopping for me. The next couple of nights will find me baking cookies, editing and scanning and uploading photos... those are my gifts this year, gifts of my time and cooking and photography, but not I'm stressing or keeping tabs about what doesn't get done.

Why didn't we do this earlier? Somewhere along the way I feel we lost the point of our celebration... the birth of Jesus. 

On the phone with my oldest earlier this week, discussing our Christmas plans, I asked how he felt about not exchanging gifts this year. That triggered a near-rant that made my mother's heart soar, about the over-commercialization of Christmas and extreme emphasis on bought gifts. 

"I think Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday now... it's all about family and just hanging out with each other. I think that's how Christmas should be, too," he told me.

This isn't a drastic change in attitude for him - even when he was small he didn't ask for much, and when he was older, he scolded me for buying him things he didn't need.

The other two are the same way. I have no idea where their pragmatic, frugal outlook came from - I was a zealous 'gotta have lots under the tree' kind of mom for years and Tom's not much better - but I'm very grateful for their attitude now. Perhaps they just rubbed off on me. 

Those three are my best gifts ever.

Another gift... Tom's Pop is out of the hospital. Still no definite answers till test results arrive next week, though, so we appreciate your continued prayers!

 

 

 

Peanut Butter/Chocolate Bars, a Snow-Squeaky Beach and other Sweet!s of the Week

Wednesday evening I spent an hour sitting at my in-law's dining room table working on a post to update you on our Florida week. I just had one more image to add before I hit 'publish' when Tom's laptop froze on me. As a last ditch effort, I refreshed the page.

Poof! My post vanished! 

Sigh. 

Of course, it was a brilliant post - one of my best ever! Ahem. But I decided playing cards, exploring thrift stores and walking on the beach were more important than trying to remember what I'd written, and I procrastinated re-writing it until now, after a twelve-hour drive home and lugging in all of our suitcases and before starting the laundry.

I'm sure you understand. 

I do recall that Nobel-worthy post had something to do with eating lots of peanut butter and chocolate. In my mother-in-law's kitchen there were these cute little Christmas plates that magically filled with all kinds of cookies overnight. Tom and I did our best to eat them up every day but then, the next morning, it would be overflowing in sweet yummy goodies all over again!

It was so weird!

Christmas magic, I'm sure.

We did more than eat peanut butter and chocolate, though; we played lots of cards... mostly 3-13, a kind of rummy. Tom and his family also play cribbage, but they're so fast at it I'd rather just sit and watch in awe.

One of Tom's eight brothers, Joe, lives near his parents; he and his wife Erin used to live in Texas and we've always had a great time with them. On this trip we trekked through antique/junk shops and along the beach, searching for all different kinds of treasure. We also spent one evening catching up over margaritas and 3-13 (they stomped us!)

Martha Stewart has nothing on Mom and Erin when it comes to Christmas decor. I came home totally inspired to finish my tree and create a beautiful table setting. Both of their houses twinkle in Christmas spirit.

Friday, our last day there, Mom had planned to take us to the infamous McGuires Irish Pub right after Pop had a small test run. Unfortunately, we ended up eating in a hospital cafeteria instead of McGuires. (Barbecued ribs, since you asked. And they were pretty dang good!)

Pop didn't even get any lunch... unless you call the stuff that drips through an IV "lunch".

You see, over the last few years - more frequently in the past few months - Pop has been getting anemic. So anemic that he requires transfusions. On Friday the doctor felt his blood count was low enough that he needed another recharge.

I'm glad Tom and I were able to be there to help them out, at least for a day. And we still had fun with them, playing cards and listening to Pop flirt with the nurses (that old rascal!)

As I write this, he's still in the hospital. We're praying the doctors can figure out why he keeps getting anemic and what to do about it. Please join me! (Thank you!)

And now for my sweet! moments of the week... 

Sunday: your parents-in-law's faces on a long overdue visit; playing 3-13 even if you lose every game; a tree covered in angel ornaments; chocolate and peanut butter bars

Monday: chocolate and peanut butter bars; chocolate and peanut butter bars; chocolate and peanut butter bars; laughing with your brother- and sister-in-law over margaritas and games of 3-13 (even if they always win)

Tuesday: chocolate and peanut butter bars; Tums; running with your sweetie so you can eat more chocolate and peanut butter bars; swingsets sturdy enough for adults; an evening penitential service in a beautiful church

Wednesday: exploring thrift/antique/junk shops with your sweetie, brother- and sister-in-law; Victorian houses draped in Christmas

Thursday: walking on a deserted Pensacola beach with loved ones, searching for shells; your heels sinking deep into squeaky snow white sand; wearing a swimsuit in December; purple beach flowers; finally winning a game of 3-13!

Friday: spending a day laughing and playing cards with your in-laws, even if most of it is spent in the hospital; old globes; watching old episodes of MASH, Taxi, Gomer Pyle, Petticoat Junction...

Saturday: starting off on time for your return trip home; a pre-dawn deserted interstate; sharing a footlong turkey sandwich with your sweetie; your tail-wagging, grinning puppies greeting you when you arrive back home after a week away; the sight of 2/3 of your kids after a long absence; your son helping you out when you're feeling frustrated and exhausted; three paychecks in the mail

Ssssh! Don't Tell my Mom! (plus the Shutterfly winners)

Life has gotten crazy busy.

My oldest son and his girlfriend are heading here this evening, joined by a few of his 'old' college buddies who are driving in from Dallas. Tomorrow is his birthday and he's letting me celebrate it with him for the first time in years and years... well, since he left home for college. It will be a late night celebration, and simple. Just pizza and ice cream cake. But it will warm my heart getting to see him (briefly) on his actual birthday tomorrow.

However, come to think of it, it might only be his sleeping 26-year-old face I get to see; I have to leave for work relatively early and they'll probably stay up late tonight, which means they'll sleep in before heading out for another celebration downtown tomorrow night.

But I'll take what I can get and be grateful!

So... today I'm cleaning house. Not just a room here or there, but the whole dang thing, top to bottom. As soon as I finish with my writing duties, I'm going to put something energetic and old (like me) on the stereo... something like KC and the Sunshine Band or James Brown or Elvis... and become a dancing, singing, cleaning, whirling dervish.

I'm hoping to finish in time to drop in on a Christmas Bunco party tonight and visit with women I never get to see anymore before running back home to greet my oldest baby. Then there's work at the Bistro, a college graduation and more Christmas parties on this week's calendar, plus decorations and cards and photo editing and writing assignments hovering over my head. 

Which means something's gotta give, and as usual, it's sleep... enough that those little dark circles are appearing under my eyes.  I've also missed a couple of workouts this week because of extra jobs that popped up, blessings I can't turn down.

But please don't tell my mom - she'll worry. And don't tell my kids - I'm always nagging them to make sure they get enough sleep. Oh, they'd love to throw this back on me!

One thing I'm not cutting out - not yet, anyway - is my morning walk. Before it was even light this morning, Belle appeared at the window next to my computer, begging to get started. Max stood a few steps behind her... a black patch on the dark porch... and that was unusual; he usually lets her do the begging alone, happy to relax in his bed on the front porch until I step out the door.

I could hear the rain hitting the roof. I guess they were as relieved and excited by the steady, light rain as I was... and I was glad they were eager for a walk. Cool, rainy days are the most beautiful when you're out in them, wrapped in a warm jacket and protected from total drenching by an umbrella. Colors deepen - greens, browns, golds, rusts - and everything glistens, bedazzled in crystal drops. 

No photographs. It was too wet to risk my camera. Belle's begging at the window again now, though, and the rain has stopped. Perhaps I'll wander out with my camera before I get busy cleaning and capture some of the rain bling...

But then... that's why my house is so dirty. All those, "But first..."s.

Ah, well. I'll just go ahead and share a couple I took the last time it rained and get busy cleaning...

And now, I won't drag it out any longer. Here are the winners of the Shutterfly card giveaway... 

Congratulations to Hilary at The Smitten Image, Gail at Louisiana Belle and Walker at A Woman's Page! I'll send you each the codes for your free 25 cards!

I wish everyone who entered could have won. I really hate leaving people out and I loved hearing all of your sweet! moments. Thanks for sharing them!

 

Ambience Lost

 

 

Writers, especially those trying to write at a desktop in the middle of the livingroom in a houseful of people, know you have to learn to tune everything out around you. And anyone who works from home and hopes to accomplish anything at all has to learn to ignore laundry, dishes, dust...

I've developed both of those skills to an extraordinary level. From dusty furniture to photos I've promised people... I can procrastinate them all.

But there's a time for everything - a level of, um, "dirty house" that just can't be ignored anymore. Mine reached that level weeks ago. I just didn't know it until my focus began to blur. 

It was like those nasty mosquitos that have taken over the Hollow near the creekbed lately, buzzing and biting until finally there are so many you can't enjoy your walk because you're too busy slapping them off your shoulders and legs.

So I cleaned my bathroom yesterday. 

Yeah, it's just a drop in the bucket, or, well, one room in a whole house, but hey, it's a start! And getting started, for me, is the toughest part of anything.

And when I say I cleaned it, I mean I scrubbed the shower and the floor... I took all of the rose plates off the wall and washed them in the kitchen sink... I dusted my little vases and photos (although I didn't go so far as to dust each separate spiral Mexican shell sitting in a blue bowl on the counter.)

I shouldn't admit this, but I spent hours on just that one room. When I was through, I lit a candle and relaxed for a few minutes, savoring the clean-ness. I love that room - next to the library, it's my favorite. I truly owed it an apology. 

I also annihilated the overflowing piles of laundry and scratched several unrelated things off of my to-do list yesterday. It felt really, really good.

I have too many deadlines and projects and jobs right now to spend a whole week cleaning and organizing like I need to, so I'm not completely mosquito-free, but I'm promising myself I'll spend at least a day or two each week swatting the rest of them until the buzzing in my ears stops. I know that, until then, I'm going to feel a little out-of-balance and out-of-focus.

Does anyone else have this problem? How do you find time to stay on top of everything? 

I’ve learned that we can do anything, but we can’t do everything… at least not at the same time. Timing is everything.

~Dan Millman 

 

Horizons

 

Disturb us, Lord, when

 We are too well pleased with ourselves,

 When our dreams have come true

 Because we have dreamed too little,

 When we arrived safely

 Because we sailed too close to the shore.

- Sir Francis Drake

I have a map in my mind, with huge circles drawn around several destinations. I've charted the journey, made lists of things I need to take with me, things I need to do in preparation and started crossing items off.

 But as time goes by without losing sight of land, I fear I'm satisfied with the Idea of a Journey and that I'll never actually get the nerve to set sail on the wide sea.

I fear indecision will keep me drifting close to shore, where pretty distractions make me forget about my dreams or news of potential storms make me afraid of heading into unknown waters.

Or if I do manage to jump aboard my boat and head for sea, I fear I've plotted the wrong path.

So this little prayer from Sir Francis is a good reminder to keep moving forward and not get too caught up in the details.

At some point, if you want to arrive at your destination, you have to pull up the anchor, pull Faith onboard, wave Doubt goodby and just go, right?

Wish me luck!

(These thoughts were inspired by THIS POST by Baron Batch - if you're facing a storm or a journey into the unknown, I recommend reading it!)

 (the rest of Sir Francis's prayer...)

Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.

We ask you to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push into the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.

- Sir Francis Drake

Sweets in a busy week

For some reason, I thought this past week would have more time in it. 

I thought by the time I headed to work at the Bistro this morning, I would be all caught up on everything, plus perhaps even a little ahead on a few things.

Well, I wasn't. But I refuse to give myself a hard time about it. There's always next week... (and if there's not, then none of it matters anyway, right?)

I was so scatterbrained this whole week that a dear friend's 50th birthday snuck up on me... I remembered in time to send an email and a text, but not in time to send the card I intended to send all week (it was even on my to-do list!)

Despite that, I actually kept track of my Sweets! each day. It appears I've managed to turn it into a habit. (Thank goodness! I needed another good one to balance out the bad ones!)

So here they are, a few of my sweet moments of this past crazy-busy airheaded week...

 

Saturday: running 1.5 miles in less than 15 minutes for the first time in 30+ years; watching the full moon rise over Lake Travis with your sweetie pie and thinking about all the full moons you've shared in the past 29 years; grilled rib-eye steak, baked potato with the works and cheesecake

Sunday: listening to an inspiring sermon on faith; miraculously getting to work on time; laughing over old episodes of Twin Peaks with your son 

Monday: a morning walk with the full moon; news that your brother snuck off and got married over the weekend; hours and hours of writing 

Tuesday: tons of prayer and sweet thoughts from your friends for your dad who is in the hospital; meeting a deadline

Wednesday: praying in a quiet, empty church; news that your dad passed his arteriogram with flying colors

Thursday: skipping on a dirt road; shopping with your frugal daughter; lots of reading time

Friday: hitting the clearance racks with your daughter, Part 2; satisfying your shoe addiction within your budget; watching a movie with your sweetie

Saturday: sleeping in (ahhhh!); time at work to snap lots of photos; news that your dad is passing all of his tests, even if the doctors can't figure out what's causing his problems and won't let him escape from the hospital yet

 

Hope you took time to notice your sweet moments, too! 

A Good Monday - Writing and (news of) Weddings

Today is Monday, isn't it? I've already lost track.

I neglected so much today - I'm behind on emails, Facebook and reading my favorite blogs, as well as laundry and... well, everything.

But it's for a good reason: I spent the day writing... specifically re-writing the beginning pages of my book for the "We Love New Novelists" contest on She Writes. Once I took a hard look at them, I decided they weren't in shape to submit anywhere.

The deadline is tomorrow. I intended to get up early (as in 4am) every day this past week to work on it while the house was quiet, but that good intention fizzled by the second morning. I just had too many other things going on. Sleep and Procrastination won over Writing (as usual!)

So the pages I submit won't be as good as they would have been if I'd been able to spend a few focused hours on them every day for a week, instead of frantically writing for two days, but I'm just grateful for these two days free of (too many) other obligations and that I'll have something to submit!

Having this deadline in front of me stoked my writing fire; I'm determined to dedicate a couple of hours every day to keep it flaming until it's finished.  

Now for the wedding part of this post... this morning I got word that my brother's new love is now offically his wife! Donnie and Donna sneakily got married at 6pm last night in a small church ceremony only an hour or so away. But I've forgiven him for not inviting us. I just hope someone took pictures!

This one will have to do for now - I took it during their visit a few weeks ago. Please join me in congratulating and asking blessings for this joyous couple, Donnie and Donna! 

 

Detours (and my Friday Favorite Photo)

This has been one crazy, zig-zagging, bouncing, stretching-myself-across-so-many-things-I-think-I'm-going-to-pop kind of week. One of those weeks where everything is high priority and you just can't procrastinate any longer. So you just do it all, period, and try your best to get some sleep.

Things like a writing deadline, a book review deadline, a contact list to compile and a group email that had to go out, a BlogHer assignment, a Parish Council meeting, eye doctor appointments x 3 of us, my car inspected, our anniversary looming, my sister's birthday, a dozen blog posts swirling in my head waiting to be born, a new FlickR project, my refrigerator filter glowing orange, watering a friend's plants while she's out of town plus trying to keep our own alive...

Whew.

All of this on top of my two day jobs (weekday and weekend) overlapping so I have only one day off in 9 days right on the heels of a quick trip out of town to a wedding. 

I confess I didn't even think about housework of any kind this week or do more than glance at my three-page to-do list. 

If it weren't for Tom, TG and Daniel helping with cooking, laundry and whatever I ask them to do around here, I really would have popped, I'm sure.

Of course, it's not over yet. I work both days this week at the Bistro; we celebrate our anniversary tomorrow night (we're thinking dessert at Sonic at sunset); reading and writing deadlines still loom, the filter light still gives me an orange wink every time I open the fridge door, my car still isn't inspected (shhh! don't tell!), I haven't started the FlickR project, and my laundry is overflowing...

But the good news is I'll have time to take care of most of these starting Monday. The bad news is it's because one of my jobs ended, which means one of my paychecks. The good news is that means I'll have more time to focus on my book and my businesses, and I'll still be moderating the Jobs4Autism website.

I haven't decided if I've come to another detour in my life or if I'm actually stepping back onto the main road. I've taken so many detours I'm not even sure what the main road looks like anymore. Some detours were results of my own decisions; some just plopped down from no where, forcing me to veer in a new direction.

I came across this on a blog today, written by Baron Batch, a Texas Tech to Pittsburgh Steelers football player/writer:

"The funny thing about all roads is that at some point they all have potholes, speed bumps and detours. However, the durability of your vehicle is what allows you to reach your destination regardless of your traveling conditions."

Baron's post is a tribute to his faith and a reminder of the value of detours in our life. Instead of playing in his first NFL game this week, he tore his ACL. He writes...

"Trying to understand Gods plan will bring insanity, trusting it brings peace."

So much wisdom in one so young! I aspire to have that kind of faith and pray my kids do, too. I hope we all have durable vehicles! (I wish I could be confident that when my own kids face detours in their lives, when things go wrong as they always will, they hear my voice whispering, "Have faith, have faith.")

 

And now for my Friday Favorite Photo!

I picked this one of Max because...

a) it's taken with my new 50mm lens! and 

b) he's eating! 

(He stopped eating for awhile last weekend when we were gone. Got me so worried! Dang dogs.)

Now that I think of it, Max himself was a detour. We had decided we weren't going to have any more dogs. Then that starving puppy wandered up and stole our hearts...

Hope you've had a wonderful week... hope you have a great weekend...  and hope you look at the detours in your life as opportunities rather than bad luck.

Amen.

 

 

 

 

 

If mornings could last forever...

Max has finished eating and lies still at my feet. We both stare out into the Hollow. 

Cicadas hum. Birds chatter back and forth. Heat hasn't yet white-washed the cloudless sky - its crisp blue stretches like a fresh-washed sheet from horizon to horizon.

A cardinal whooshes from one tree to another, just a flash of red in the corner of my eye. 

It will be unbearably hot here later when the afternoon sun turns its face this way, but right now, a soft breeze tumbles along the covered deck where I sit, ruffling my hair. In this morning moment, it's a perfect summer "aaahh".

Belle still munches from her bowl; once again, she balked about even starting on her food until Max was almost finished.

Part of me is impatient. I'm already running behind! I slept in a little because I stayed up late writing, but was still up early enough to walk before the sun took control of the road.

The light was perfect for snapping photos of the tiny buds defying the drought. I knelt in weeds, snapping away at a fresh Mexican hat, until Belle nudged me, waking me from my trance and reminding me we needed to move along.

I suppose I'll give her a break now and swallow the scolding on my lips. 

Max finally stands for his treats then ambles off around the corner, probably headed back to the cool doghouse. A tiny wren lands on the edge of the deck, just a few feet away from Belle's bowl. He cocks his head, surprised to see us, and high tails it down to the backhoe, landing on the steering wheel, where he proceeds to sing and sing and sing.

(Probably 'fuss, fuss, fuss' would be more accurate, but I prefer to think he's singing to me. And it does sound lovely.) 

Meanwhile, Belle licks her bowl clean, takes her treats and stretches out behind my rocker.

Still, I sit. 

A squirrel climbs to the top of a tree, just beyond the deck; shaking limbs mark its progress. Another breeze whispers past me.

Belle sighs.

I sigh.

I could sit here all day...

...if only mornings could last forever.

 

 

 

Spring Fever Frenzy and Sweet! #1

Frenzy is my word of the week, (where's my copy of Pearl Jam's song Just Breathe?) so please forgive me if this post seems a little harried and unorganized. If it jumps around a bit, it's just a reflection of my life right now, hopscotching from one project to the next in haphazard order.

Tom and I have two Major Events coming up this month - another Shake Russell home concert and Daniel's graduation - just the kind of matches we need to light fires under our butts and get us moving on projects we should have tackled months ago.

Why, oh why do we procrastinate?

You would be amazed by how much Tom and I can ignore around our house - he always has half a dozen projects in various stages going on simultaneously and after almost 30 years together, I've learned to ignore random tools and pieces of equipment left lying in odd places. 

One reason I ignore it all is because, if he dares say anything about my own piles of unorganized junk or projects-in-progress, I have ammunition. We've learned to be very accepting of each other's idiosyncrasies.

When Major Events appear on the calendar, though, that helps us see our home from a visitor's point of view and YIKES, our priorities shift. I haven't even gotten to the 'cleaning' part - for some reason, I've got it in my head I need to sort through boxes, clean up my office-to-be, my closet, cabinets... 

It's not that I think anyone will care, but I have to use this rare fever while I have it.

So, what I didn't do this past weekend: 

• Work on my book.
• Dance, play ping-pong or my drums.
• Load Photoshop Elements on my computer. (I'm hesitating because, from experience with my computer, I know it won't be as easy as clicking a few buttons. I need a chunk of time to work on this.)
• Finalize the name for my new venture. If I get any chunks of time, this is what I've been spending them on. Even though I work for a naming company, I had no idea it would take me this long to pick one. I'm really afraid I'm overthinking it. I've narrowed it down to three, though, and now have to figure out how to register it. There are so many things involved in starting a business - yikes!
• Attend my friend Jacque's college graduation Saturday morning. I fully intended to - I got up early, showered, dressed and was ready to head out the door, but stopped to double check directions to where I thought it was being held Turns out, it was on a totally different highway than she told me in her graduation-eve excitement, much farther than I realized. I should have googled it the night before and gotten up earlier. There was no way I could make it there in time.

What I did accomplish, outside of the normal routine:

• Unloaded a ton of stuff at Goodwill. I was going to stop after the graduation ceremony, anyway. Tom and I had already loaded up my car with bags and boxes of things to donate.
• Treated myself to a pedicure and manicure. Unusual for someone in a frenzy, I know, but the salon is next door to Goodwill. I'm 52, but I can count the number of pedicures I've had in my life on one hand - I think this was number 5 - and this was only the second manicure I've ever had. The other one was part of a spa day gift from Tom in honor of my 30th birthday. (What is wrong with me?)
• Promised myself I won't wait another year for a pedicure, or another 22 years for a manicure.
• Made a few baby steps of progress on starting my business. No, I didn't finalize the name, but I made progress. That's what I have to focus on.
• Sorted through several boxes of stuff and weeded out more stuff to give away. I'm a hoarder collector, but I'm started to have pity on my kids when they have to go through my things later. (Of course, if Tom's still around, it'll be easy on them. He'll just dump it all or burn it.)
• Paid bills and made a dent in the laundry. (No explanation needed here - these things never wait patiently.) 

Tom spent most of Saturday on a Habitat-for-Humanity type project. It's not HFH, but a similar program his company partners with a few times a year. He loves using his carpentry skills to help people.

On his way home he picked up a new (to us) elliptical trainer and stationary bike he found on Craig's List. We have our own little gym again, for less than the cost of a gym membership. Yay, Tom! 

He's putting his Craig's List truck to good use!

On the Today Show this week, I found out about something that apparently everyone else already knows about - 1000 Awesome Things.

How did I miss this? Especially as a blogger? (If you, like me, have had your head in the ground lately and haven't heard about this, click on that link above and take a look - but then come back!)

Actually, what I want to know, is why didn't I think of this myself?

Even though I didn't, I'm going to blatantly steal borrow Neil Pasricha's premise and start looking on the bright side of things every day. Considering my current frenzied state, I think it will do me some good.

I also want to set a good example for my kids and prove to them that no matter how bad things get in a day, it's possible to find one little "sweet!" moment. I honestly believe that.

I apologize in advance because this means I might have two posts in a single day right here on Long Hollow, plus another one on Confessions. I forgive you if you don't always read them or comment, but I would like to hear about your "sweet!" moments too, if you have the time to share them. From here on out, I'll write them as separate posts and keep them in the Sweet! category so I can go back and remember little rays of sunshine on those dark days.

 So here we go with Sweet #1 (drumroll please)...

... Getting an email from my son just to say he loves me - and to tell me he has no cavities. When your grown children take charge of their lives, it can be so hard to let go, especially in those health care areas. After years of intensive, organized, methodical mothering and worrying over their health - doctor and dentist check-ups, prescriptions, etc. - you watch them fly out of the nest to other regions with unknown doctors and dentists and you can only pray they continue to take care of themselves. 

It took the suspicion of a cavity, but he did it. Sweet!

 

 

 

On the drive home...

A splash of orange. 

Blue, gradually deepening.

The corrugated silhouette of surrounding hills.

Lights twinkling from houses, from Austin in the distance,

and from cars criss-crossing the hill opposite me.

The weekend is slipping away with the sun,

along with another unfinished to-do list.

But the 'done' list includes walks through the woods in spring-like weather

dancing with my darling

dinner with friends

hugs from my kids

I'll focus on 'done' - there's always tomorrow for 'to-do's.

 

It's Christmas Eve-Eve

Up until today, I've managed to miss out on all of that holiday stress that's hitting so many people.

We're not really doing gifts, so I haven't worried about that. Lord knows we don't need all the calories from fresh baked cookies, so I haven't started baking yet (we'd eat them all, and I'd have to bake more and more and more...) I haven't had time to work on Christmas cards, so I gave myself permission to procrastinate on those, too.

But now my time's up. There are zillions of things I want to do and zillions of things I need to do, and I've barely touched any of them!!

Even though there aren't many gifts, they still need to be wrapped. And it's now or never for the cookies and cards. I had big productive plans today, but they turned into a crumbly mess, so I did what any card-carrying procrastinator would do in such a situation -  just swept them all onto tomorrow. 

Because 2/3 of the kids are here now, and the third is on his way. That's all I wanted for Christmas, and I'm getting my gift early.

Daniel is grilling chicken while I play here at the computer. After dinner, my top priority is watching "The Jerk" with the kids. I discovered quite by accident the other day that Daniel wasn't familiar with some of the key scenes! How have I been so lax in my parental duties?! So I'm making up for it tonight. (Besides, I'll have better luck getting them to watch "The Jerk" with me than "It's a Wonderful Life", and that's what it's all about, you know, being with them.)

After the movie, if there's time, I'll finish up the Christmas cards, so tomorrow, I'll just need to hit the grocery store, bake cookies, mail the cards (the post office will be open, right?), wrap gifts ... and finally, attend Mass, where I'll be reminded that all I really needed to do was give thanks and not dwell on all of this stressful stuff.

So Peace and Merry Christmas Eve-Eve to you! I'm including this video, A Social Network Christmas, in case you haven't seen it yet ... hope you enjoy it as much as I did! (Where do these people find time to do things like this?)

 

 

 

Deepwater Reflections, thank you Rosa Parks, and a Wednesday Procrastination

When the sun stepped into the Hollow this morning, it found me gazing at a reflection of the surrounding autumn-dressed trees in a nearby pond. Tickled by the wind, the pond surface rippled and the reflection wavered...still unmistakably golden trees, but altered from the original by the elements. It hit me that this was a physical example of how our memories waver, touched by time. 

Last night I posted a series of photos on my photography site (here) like the one above, snapped over the weekend in my childhood neighborhood, Deepwater.

The photographs depict what is there now; but for me, even when I look at the photos, images of the past pop up like an overlay, wavering before me like the reflection on the pond. I guess that's the curse...and the blessing...of getting older.

******************************************************************************

I also wanted to acknowledge that today is the 55th anniversary of the day Rosa Parks was just too worn out, too fed up, to play by silly rules any longer. According to the Wikipedia article I found, she wasn't the first to protest this way, but hers sparked the Montgomery Bus Boycott and major changes in how we view each other. It just took one more voice - proof that we shouldn't give up before we start, thinking it's not worth the effort, just because others have tried but failed.

Rosa also lost her job, though. Courage generally comes at a cost - that's why it takes courage to speak up or step out or fight back, because we know it's going to trigger change. We can hope for positive change, but usually at least a little bit of pain tags along.

******************************************************************************

Also...today is Wednesday, specifically One Word Wednesday. Today's word is Stuffed, and I confess I'm still tossing that one around in my head. My One Word post might come out on Thursday this week! Stay tuned!

 

 

 

 

Gettin' my squint on...

Tom and I did it. We finally dressed up for Halloween after so many party-pooper years.

Now, mind you, we didn't spend a lot of forethought on these costumes...

But today I was grateful that I'm a procrastinating hoarder; I was afraid I had thrown away the shoe box full of Halloween makeup, a collection gathered over two decades, now that our nest is empty. But I scrounged around and found it in my storage room, on top of the glue sticks and beside the crayons. (Cleaning out that storage room is on one of my to-do lists lying around here. I'm glad I haven't gotten to it, either!) 

So with a copy of The Good, the Bad and the Ugly on the counter beside me as a model, I grew myself a black beard, mustache and matching heavy eyebrows with black creme colour, donned a western shirt my grandmother made me in the '80's (still hanging in my closet), pulled on my skinny jeans, some Rocket Dog boots, the serape/pancho from yesterday's post, one of Tom's hats, added a good squint, and Whoa! I was the spitting image of Clint Eastwood. Sort of. With blonde hair.

But it's pretty dang close, don't you think? (I'm clean out of cigars, so I chewed on a pencil. 'Cause I'm a writer. Get it?)

Tom just had to dive into his closet and scrounge a bit in one of the kids' rooms for a whip (the kids may be mostly gone, but not all of their stuff) and Holy Ancient History! he turned into Indiana Jones!

So, dressed (warmly) as two of Hollywood's most famous leading men, we ventured out into the dark to a Halloween Party in the woods, where we took a "haunted" hike up the hill, visited with other characters, ate lots of chocolate and then slipped away part way through Paranormal Activity because, it turns out, Clint Eastwood doesn't like scary movies. Who knew? 

Happy Halloween from Indy and Clint, everyone!

(You know, squinting is harder than it looks!)

So...what will you be for Halloween?

Do you still dress up for Halloween? 

On our first Halloween together, Tom and I dressed as Frankenstein (Tom, of course) and a little girl from the village (me) for a co-worker's party. His was a recycled costume from a previous Halloween, but he went all out...he even had platform shoes to make him tower above me. EEEK!!!

My costume was just what I wore for high school Senior Kid Day...yawn...

Another year, for another party, we dressed as devils. Not so cute. No pictures, thank goodness. But we made a comeback another year as Indiana Jones (me) and a native (Tom). No pictures that year, either....we had kids by then. 

We always scrounged for costumes, recycling old clothes. Too cheap and too lazy to rent anything for one night.

We haven't dressed up in years. Just the idea of trying to think of something kind of tires me out!

I'm trying to remember the last time I donned some sort of costume for Halloween...I think it was when I manned the city library booth at the elementary school Fall Festival. I threw on a sombrero and serape (garage sale find and vacation souvenir, respectively), and that was that.

I was so hot! No, not sexy hot, but sweaty hot...imagine wearing a wool blanket in a gym full of excited little kids. See?

Gosh, that was over a decade ago! 

We've been invited to a Halloween party in the woods this weekend - costume optional. I'm trying to decide if we're going to dig around in the dress-up box for alter egos or just be party-poopers.

 It's supposed to be chilly tonight - maybe I'll go find that serape. I could throw on a cowboy hat, some jeans and boots, and squint like Clint Eastwood...

If you're like me, still trying to decide, take a look at this hilarious video, sent to me by my costume-creative friend above, Kim...

 

Today is life - shake yourself awake!

Today is life - the only life you are sure of. Make the most of today.Get interested in something. Shake yourself awake. Develop a hobby.
Let the winds of enthusiasm sweep through you. Live today with gusto.

~Dale Carnegie

Despite an afternoon on the lake with friends yesterday, warmed by the sun, cooled by the water and my spirit refreshed by the wind in my face, by nightfall I was weighed down by a heavy blanket woven of stress.

My untouched to-do lists (just the introduction page to a whole book of to-do's and want-to's and need-to's) glared at me when I got home, like a neglected spouse or child, and my brain scrambled through the minutes of the next week, trying to project and plan how and when I would get this stuff done between work and sleep.

It was exhausting! I could feel myself shutting down mentally; I just wanted to crawl into bed and call it a day.

And I probably should have because I spent a restless night full of strange dreams, my brain still scrambling to figure out that schedule. I woke still exhausted.

Then I read this reminder from Dale about life and I shook myself awake. I remembered my own advice: do what I can do today, do the best I can do, do as much as I can, but keep it prioritized and balanced. Don't worry about what doesn't get done or what I can't control. Just start over tomorrow.

Because today is the only day I need to worry about. The only day I'm guaranteed. It might be a day spent focused on those to-do's (because I know with every one I scratch out, that blanket of stress gets lighter and lighter), and there are some - bills that are due or other deadlines - that I have to take care of, no matter what.

So I'm not tossing out my lists - everything on them is important and I do need to take care of them, eventually. But I'll ignore their dirty looks. I'll refuse to let them make me feel guilty for spending time with friends and family, sharing my thoughts here, playing my drums, or capturing priceless moments with my camera. Those are the colors in my life, the sun, the water, and the winds of my enthusiasm.

Happy Monday! Shake yourself awake!

 

Sun(day), Wind and Water

"You and Tom want to go out on the boat tomorrow after Mass?"

"Sure!"

To-do list? What to-do list?

Faces of Procrastination...

Well, there's always Monday... or Tuesday... or Wednesday...

 

It's Monday - can you feel it, too?

I'm not going to make any excuses for this draggy, Monday-blah feeling I have. It's my own fault. I know it. I'm trying to do too much, but I have no regrets, despite the lack of sleep, and I refuse to cut anything out. Yet.

So this is a Monday post - kind of a hodge-podge of things that I need/want to get out here.

First, if any of you are eager to win that $100 Visa gift card at the end of the month that BlogHer and Crystal Light are sponsoring, you have another chance to enter. I have a new post up on Long Hollow Reviews so head there and leave a comment by clicking here: "What's Your Style?"

Oh, but wait till you finish reading this post!

Second, (and this is for the midlife and up people out there) grab a teenager and take this test. If you're like me, you'll soon be cussing Ted Nugent (or at least those seats so close to the stage - and speakers - that you loved 40 years ago) and powerful turbine-driven engines and motors and loud machinery and your husband's table saw and driving down the highway with the windows rolled down and the car radio blaring...

The Teenager Audio Test

Tell me how you did! I failed miserably, needless to say, because of all of the previously mentioned experiences...

Third, I'm humbled, honored and heartbroken to be helping a friend right now. She asked me to critique an early draft of her memoir, the story of her son and his addiction. This friend was my inspiration to do good in school, the Smart Girl... so you can imagine how powerful her writing already is. Reading her story breaks my heart. Please take time to pray for this son of hers that she loves and fears for so desperately.

While you're praying, please include another friend from my school days who has autoimmune hepatitiswhich has caused cirrhosis of the liver. Yeah, part of me realizes we're over 50, and our bodies are becoming undependable, rebellious strangers, but the other part of me is still walking the halls of my junior high with this girl, still just a teenager in my mind, and way, way too young to be dealing with this.

Now I'm off to finish up this Monday with a bang - ignoring everything on my list to spend a long overdue evening watching a movie, eating, drinking and catching up with three friends. It took a whole day of emails before we could find a day we were all available.

Hope you have all had a wonderful Monday that leads to an even better week.

(Now you can go click on that link and leave your comment!)

 

Truths

I've been busy all afternoon, taming the piles of laundry and bills that were taking over the house. I'd much rather have spent the afternoon writing or watching movies with the kids or taking the dogs for a walk, but even procrastinators have limits of what they can ignore.

Tom is laid out flat on our bed - he pulled something in his back during a team-building exercise for work on Friday: bowling! Thank goodness his back waited until the end of his last game to rebel. At least he had a little fun!

I thought I'd take a break from bills and laundry to share this, though. I'm not sure who originally wrote it -  my friend Cliff emailed it to me... he's kept me laughing since our first DuPont days - but I thought it was too funny and true not to pass on. Hope you enjoy it!

 

                                            TRUTHS FOR MATURE ADULTS
 
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you're wrong.
- I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
- There is great need for a sarcasm font.
- How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? (actually, if you're not sure, watch the video I included below.)
- Was learning cursive really necessary?
- Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
- I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
- Bad decisions make good stories.
- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.
- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
- I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
- I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
- I disagree with Kay Jewellers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
- I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
- Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realise I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
- I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
- Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year?
- There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
- Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Now, for those of you who don't know how to fold a fitted sheet... watch and learn! 

Not Your Ordinary Summer Vacation

My dad's cousin left for China this morning. This is her 17th visit, most of them mission trips. On this one, she'll be part of a team teaching English.

The Big Trip of my summer will be up north to Wisconsin to visit some of Tom's family. Our last visit was for his cousin's wedding in 1985 - I remember because I was pregnant with Tommy.

We had made at least two visits up there already, with and without Tom's parents. We loved hanging out with his Grandma and Grandpa in the house where his dad grew up... driving around while Grandpa pointed out the family farm, the pond where he skinny-dipped, the cemetery full of Shallue's...

We loved meeting all of the uncles, aunts, cousins, touring the Manitowoc Ice Machine company where one uncle worked, the submarine museum and the cheese factories, loved trekking up to Door County, loved the roasted corn and fish, the fresh-picked raspberries, the brats and beer. Lots of beer!

We never intended to wait this long to return, but you know how life can be, especially after you have kids! You get busy - and time doesn't wait. 

We'll be going back for another wedding - his cousin's daughter's wedding! The cousin who got married on our last visit! Thanks to Facebook, we've all reconnected again.

We know it won't be the same. Grandma and Grandpa are both gone - the house belongs to someone else now. But we're looking forward to it, getting to see family we haven't seen in over twenty years, meeting some new ones who weren't even born the last time we were there, including the bride.

But let's face it, it's not an exotic trip to China like my dad's cousin's wife is taking.Please keep her and the rest of her group in your prayers. One of the team members has started a website to share photos and impressions of the trip. Click here if you want to follow along. I plan to. I'm sure it's the closest I'll ever get to the real thing!

Adjusting the Focus - starting a Gratitude Journal

I started a gratitude journal this week... an idea I stole from my friend Nancy. I've kept one before, making lists of the things I'm grateful for each day, but I get too busy or too distracted and the next thing you know it's been months since I've taken the time to write them down.

I think about my blessings every day, when I'm walking the dogs, right before I go to sleep and often in between. But, as Nancy pointed out, thinking of them is not nearly as therapeutic as writing them down.

And let me tell you, I need the therapy! Lately any positive thoughts I have are like the hummingbird I saw buzz up to the back deck yesterday... beautiful and amazing for an instant, but easily spooked. They disappear as quickly as they come and you're left wondering if your imagination was just playing tricks on you.  

My negative thoughts, on the other hand, are like the nasty little gnats that invaded our house last week, getting in my face and my food and my cheap Pinot Noir... tainting and tenacious!

But when I write my blessing down, it's like setting up a tripod for my camera so I can really focus on that hummingbird... I can snap some shots that will last forever... proof it existed.

Each day I'm going to think of three things I'm grateful for. Three different things. By not repeating myself, I hope to move beyond generics and generalizations (my kids, my husband, my family, my friends, my health... ) and get into some nitty-gritty details that I've overlooked and taken for granted.

Since I'm being a copycat anyway, I'm following Nancy's lead and also listing 3 things I accomplished during the past 24 hours. Most of the time I feel like I'm slipping farther and farther behind in my to-do's; this way I'll focus less on all of the many things on my list(s) that I never got around to that day - instead, I'll see that my day wasn't completely wasted. 

I've added another section, so it's not a complete rip-off of Nancy's version - I'm listing the three things at the top of my prayer list that day.

I thought of an easy way for me to keep track of my journal, so it doesn't go the way of my written journals, scrapbooks and photo albums (in other words, shoved off onto another to-do list. I know myself too well.) I compose each day's entry in an email to myself, collected in a folder (named "Gratitude" of course.) It's always accessible, as long as I have Internet access, anyway.

For each of these sections, I could list more than three things once I got going, I know. And I might at times. The rules are pretty loose. But the idea is to make it quick and easy so that I'm more likely to keep up with it. 

My Gratitude Journal couldn't have come at a better time...

Yesterday morning I received a call from my sister Brenda letting me know Daddy had called an ambulance for my mom. They were already in the emergency room and Brenda really didn't know anything else at that point, but promised to keep me posted.

As soon as possible, I requested prayer everywhere I could - on Facebook, through emails, the church prayer line, text messages and phone calls. The result was overwhelming - such a flood of responses, offering prayer, love and support... more than I could ever have imagined.

By that afternoon, I had talked to my mom in her room at the hospital, even joking and laughing with her like we normally do. She was waiting on the doctor to see her and for more tests to be run, but she wasn't in the Intensive Care Unit - a very good sign!

I'm feeling optimistic, like this is a blessing in disguise and they'll be able to figure out what dozens of doctors haven't been able to so far... why she can't breathe and why nothing helps.

So last night's journal entry was easy...

... I'm grateful that my mom is better, that she's in good hands and having tests run, and I'm so, so, so grateful for the tidal wave of love, support and prayers that have been focused on her. 

Thank you all so much! And please continue to pray!

At First Light and Saturdays

It was dawn, but little light filtered through the gray clouds; Belle was merely a shadow on the other side of the French doors, a silhouette of a well-behaved puppy, sitting politely, patiently.

I couldn't see her eyes, but I knew she was watching me, silently begging for an early walk. I can't resist puppy dog eyes; I stepped outside and she became a wagging, wiggling mass of fur. Okay, I told her, you win.

By the time I threw on some clothes and grabbed my camera, the sun was stretching, but hadn't yet thrown back its cloud-blanket. The world was just waking, bathed in a gray light. 

It was already warm. Normally we don't experience record-breaking highs until July, but this year summer is a high achiever, not messing around with moderation in any form.

Despite the heat, I've been waiting until the sun is above the horizon for our walks, knowing it might be my only chance to feel its warmth on my face all day, now that I spend most of my time inside, facing a computer.

But I had forgotten how spiritual the world is at dawn... the gray, the quiet, the way the colors of the wildflowers just pop... dawn just lends itself to introspection and prayer and wonder. I promised myself to head out early more often.

A huge spider caught my eye, tending to its web strung high between two trees. I wished I'd grabbed my zoom lens...

  

Any time you walk in these woods, you have to keep an eye out for spiders and their webs... they stay busy tatting them across every path. We learned to carry a stick in front of us - otherwise you get a mouthful of web and the possibility of an angry spider in your hair. UGH! 

I think the spiders are catching on, though - I've noticed most of the webs are strung high across the paths now, out of danger from our sticks. Guess they got tired of re-building every night.

A little later, the dogs startled a giant blue heron from one of the ponds - he flew behind the trees before I could get a good picture of him. Then he surprised me by circling back and I still didn't get a good picture. He flew on down the hollow, but later we startled him again and I finally got his whole body in one frame, although it's still not a very good portrait. He just wouldn't cooperate with me.

I'm not sure how or why, but on my morning walks, time stands still... or at least I'm able to believe it is. I stroll along praying, thinking, snapping dozens of pictures, laughing at the dogs like I have nowhere to go and nothing else to do all day. It's just so easy to lose track of the minutes, to get caught up with trying to track a blue heron down the creek bed or to capture the abstract beauty of morning dew on my camera.

 

Once back at the house, life resumes it's normal frantic pace, every minute over-booked. But the memory of that half hour of fresh air and surprises, of unhurried, unplanned footsteps strengthens me for whatever the day holds in store.

Saturdays at home are different. Today it was midafternoon before Tom and I headed down to the pond for a walk with the dogs. We tried to stay in the shade as much as possible, but even in the shade it felt like a sauna down by the little pond. Determined to get a picture of the minnows, sweat was dripping down my back and soaking my head before I realized it. But I got the picture...

 

As Saturdays at home usually do, this one has gotten away from me. It's the first weekend in two months that we've had No Plans and I've just drifted through the day, content with whittling away at piles of laundry, uploading and editing photographs (as you can tell) and not much more. I have lists of things I hoped to accomplish, but there's always tomorrow, or Monday. Or next Saturday; it's another No Plans weekend, a huge relief because this past week was rough. 

Not rough like the week before, with Frankie's death and heart monitors, thank goodness. On Wednesday my heart was thoroughly videoed and photographed via echocardiogram and the official report from all tests is: Normal. Not even any plaque build-up in the arteries, hallelujah, considering that potential genetic gift from my Dad. 

(The doctor doesn't know for sure what caused my palpitations - it might be the only one I ever experience - but if I do have another one, I'm supposed to call and let them know... and they''ll do more testing, of course.)

No, emotionally, it was a much better week. I just got hit with a tidal wave of procrastinated to-do's. Even procrastinators have to give in eventually... 

...so instead of working on my book Tuesday night when the Girl was in class, I spent an hour in the college lounge cutting out two months' worth of coupons. When her class was over, we headed to the grocery store armed with and extensive list and an envelope stuffed with the afore-mentioned coupons (I saved $20!) I would have put the trip off longer if I could, but our cupboards were more bare than Old Mother Hubbard's. 

Once the groceries were put away, I started editing photographs of my friend's wedding so I could get them to her - it had been two weeks and she was understandably antsy to see them. 

Good intention. Big mistake. I didn't get to bed until 1am. The next morning I was completely wiped out. Somehow I let "sleep" slip off of my priority list, but it's back again now in bold letters.

And that's one reason why I'm not making a dash to visit my dad tomorrow, although I'm torn about that decision even now. It's Father's Day, for goodness sake, and even though I saw him last Sunday, it just feels like I should spend time with him tomorrow, too. 

But I also feel like I should be here with Tom. The boys can't be here this weekend, so I thought I should fill in for them in the morning, helping the Girl make him the traditional Father's Day breakfast. 

Stay or go? Still torn...

Heart beats. Heart POUNDS.

It started in my dream, the boom, boom, booming in my chest. Before the Dream Me could finish googling 'heart pounding' and 'anxiety attack', it shook me awake and I realized it was real, not a dream... my heart was actually pounding so hard, so fast and furiously, that it woke me from a sound sleep at 1AM.

I lay there feeling like a Mexican jumping bean was trapped in my chest, wondering what I should do. Apparently the Dream Me suspected an anxiety attack, but I actually felt less stressed and anxious than usual. We'd spent the day and evening relaxing with friends, celebrating their daughter's high school graduation. Nevertheless, I took some deep breaths, hoping to slow the thumping. No luck.

Instead, the pressure of each beat shoving against my rib cage was increasing, expanding, pushing up into my throat. My heart was trying to run away! Any minute now it would blast right out of my mouth and that would be that.

 A childhood prayer came to mind... 

Now I lay me down to sleep.
 I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
 If I should die before I wake,
  I pray the Lord my soul to take. 

I felt Tom stir beside me. "In case I die tonight, I love you," I told him. 

"Hmmm?"

"My heart is pounding. Feel it." 

He put his hand on my chest. Bent his ear to my back. Took my wrist. "It's going so fast I can't count your pulse!" Not good... and especially when you consider my "normal" pulse is so low the nurse reset the 'low' alarm point on the monitor before my colonoscopy... it kept beeping and annoying everyone. 

I sat up. I laid back down. Turned to my side. Rolled onto my back. It didn't matter - the pounding continued, separate from the rest of my body. 

Tom gave me two aspirin. I chewed some Tums. We discussed what we should do - should we wake our friends to find out how to get to the nearest emergency room? It was the logical thing to do, of course, and yet... ah, man, it hadn't been that long since I'd spent 24 hours in the hospital with "my dear one"... I really, really hated the idea of sitting in another waiting room for hours. Even as I thought it, though, I realized how silly it was to be thinking that way when I feared my heart was on the verge of exploding.

And yet I still hesitated. I thought of my dream. "Google it," I told Tom, so he sat at the computer and read off possible causes to me - too much caffeine (none since before noon and less than normal), asthma medication (none since that morning), smoking (not since 1978)... 

Nothing applied to me. And I was already taking all of the preventative measures it suggested! What the heck was going on?

I didn't want to die in my friend's daughter's bed. That just wouldn't be cool. As much as I dreaded stepping foot in another hospital, I knew it was the smartest thing to do. But before I could rise to dress, I noticed a change. My heart had left my throat. Slipped back into my chest where it belonged. The beats were softer, slower. "It's over," I told Tom.

He turned off the computer and crawled back into bed. Somehow, I fell back asleep and didn't wake again until sunlight warmed my face.

I drank de-caf that morning. Skipped my asthma inhaler. My heart had become a stranger to me, a crazy stranger, and I wasn't sure how to treat it. I didn't want to set it off again.

But since that morning, it's been its old self... slow and steady. I've had coffee (although I've cut back)... used my albuterol inhaler for my asthma... pushed myself on the elliptical trainer for 30 minutes yesterday and jumped rope today. Nothing. I'd think it had all been a dream if Tom didn't vouch for it.

From what I've read, I don't think this is a life-threatening issue, despite the scariness of it all. I think it falls under "heart palpitations" and might be related to low blood pressure (my normal is 90/60) or a valve problem.

I'm not taking any chances, though; next week I'm seeing a cardiologist. I'll keep you posted...

 

Loose Ends, Apologies and Clarifications

I owe my kids an apology. I implied in XOXO Nina Barbara that they were slackers in the Mother's Day department. I didn't intend to, but nonetheless, reading back over it now, I understand why my sweet Tommy slipped a pressed flower into the card he sent me with a note explaining "I couldn't let Nicole out-do me, so here's a flower."

It's a pretty little flower, but the gesture was totally unnecessary; he, Daniel and the Girl chipped in for something I've been yearning for ... another pair of Chaco sandals. I splurged on a pair in Gruene two years ago (our anniversary served as the excuse that time) and have practically worn them out. Chaco Flips don't look like anything special, but they fit and support these old aching feet of mine perfectly ... and match my wardrobe! If you have plantar fasciitis, you need to try a pair. Trust me.

Thank you, sweet kids!

I also felt, after writing yesterday's post  about the hospital time warp, that I should mention all of the wonderful caretakers we met there ... the nurse who scrounged up a pair of scrubs pants to make my dear one more comfortable ... the emergency room doctor who thought outside the box when test results weren't fitting together ... the admitting surgeon who did all he could to avoid surgery, covered all the bases and seemed reluctant to let us go without knowing for sure what it was ... the "mother nurse" who came by to visit, to answer questions and put my dear one at ease about the potential surgery and ended up inspiring both of us with her story: she suffered a stroke several years ago - wasn't supposed to even be able to walk again - and decided life was too short to not go after a passion. She took a class in making jewelry and started a business.  Scrambling for a name for her new business, the perfect one hit her: MySCAL (My Second Chance at Life). She wore an example - a beautiful fused glass pin. 

Some other loose ends ...

*At the Texas Music Awards in Marshall last weekend the Shake Russell Trio won Vocal Group of the Year. I still believe Shake should have also won Entertainer of the Year, but I'm happy the group was at least recognized. Click here to see all of the recipients.

*My sister sent me this link about Guinea Fowl after my last post about Frankie and his strange behavior. If you're a Frankie fan, you should read it. It turns out, they mate for life and can die of broken hearts. Poor Frankie.

*Don't forget BlogHer has these fantastic give-aways where, just by commenting on a post, you're entered into a random drawing for hundreds of dollars in gift cards. I have one on my reviews/contest blog right now! Click here and tell me who in your life is the yin to your yang for a chance at a $100 Visa gift card. The contest ends June 3.

*As if taking care of my family, working, blogging, writing a book and practicing my drums weren't enough to fill my spare time, I've joined a Flickr group - "The Blog Camp 365 in 2010 Project."

What that means is I'm taking photographs, playing around with the editing, and uploading one to the group page every day. Oh, and I'm looking at everyone else's photos, commenting on them and learning tons and tons about photography while I'm at it. I'm trying to figure out how to add a link to my "One-A-Days" on this blog, but for some reason, I just haven't had time to do it yet. Keep an eye out for it, but in the meantime, I'll just post a few of mine here ... 

  

 

*The latest edition of my missionary friend Jeannie's newsletter arrived this week. In it she writes "...without electricity I eat cold food, take cold showers, have no internet or TV - in short, nothing in my house works but my cell phone, which I keep charged up, just in case. I also shower at night if I have electricity, to avoid a possible cold shower in the morning if there's no power. I've learned to do things at a slower pace and to adjust to a life with uncertainty." She goes on to say "... we're in what's called a false winter here. That means the weather is acting like the rainy season, even though it's a month early. Farmers have to decide whether to plant now or at the traditional time. They're both risky, but they have to make a decision. Many are out of food provisions for the year and an early start means they will have food sooner, if the rain keeps on. If it doesn't, the newly sprouted corn will dry up and die and they will lose this year's crop..."

I've tried getting her to convert her newsletter into a blog format, but she has too many she needs to mail it to. Plus, she's kinda busy ... So I'm trying to figure out a way to post her newsletter on my blog, just to help get the word out about her work. Keep an eye out for it, too!

*And last but not least, I spotted this on the news this week - a 94-year-old woman earned her college degree. That means there's still hope for me!

     

At Least It's Friday

At dawn the hollow was bathed in an ominous yellow-green as if someone had swathed the sun in colored tissue paper. Thunderstorms were on their way. It figured that this was the day I picked to run errands.

By the time I dressed and stepped outside, racing to get a walk in before the storm hit, the sky was the gray of a sidewalk; dark clouds trudged across it like weary travelers. 

Belle was wiggling and hopping, full of energy and eager for a walk; Max seemed eager to go, too, probably as much for Belle to burn off some of that energy as anything else! But at the top of the walkway, Frankie didn't scurry to meet us; instead he lingered by Tom's old diesel parked on the edge of the property. Unusual for him.

I suspected he sensed the storm coming, but he's been acting strange for days now. He's wishy-washy, unable to make up his mind about going for walks; he'll lag behind, screeching and fussing until we call his name, coaxing him to join us. Daniel said last week Frankie finally caught up, only to turn tail and fly all the way back home. And then yesterday I heard him squawking and squawking on the back deck. I hurried outside to see what was wrong; from the shrillness of his call I expected to see a mountain lion or a bear down near the creek, but as soon as I stepped outside and up to the railing where he perched, he quieted down. 

It was about this time two years ago that he and Ruthie first appeared. Is he in mourning, remembering her? Is it just mating season and his squawking is an "I'm available" announcement to the neighborhood? Does he hover near the house when we go for walks, afraid he'll miss the arrival of a potential nest mate?

Who knows what's going on in that crazy bird's head? At any rate, Max, Belle and I left without him. The yellow wildflowers lining the roadside popped from the landscape, like one of those tinted photographs. Near the creek, we walked under a canopy of still branches - it was dreamlike, quiet except for the call of a hawk and a splash, Max taking a dip in a pond.

The trail opened up to a field of tall grass, dotted with a few red firewheels, purple dandelions and prairie verbena. I spotted a tarantula crawling along some rocks before disappearing into the grass. Belle and Max explored and nibbled on grass, but when the wind picked up and even darker clouds crowded the horizon, Belle trotted to my side and we continued toward home. I knew I was already pushing my luck with the rain.

It started soon after the critters finished breakfast, coming down hard and fast with a thunderous soundtrack, but it slowed by the time I was ready to leave the house. I was still determined to run my errands, because tomorrow is Tom's birthday and once again, I'm not prepared. On my list: steak and potatoes and cheesecake. A birthday card. Maybe a movie, or a shirt, or ... oh, he's so hard to shop for.

I slid into his little convertible (he's stopping by the Girl's dorm to move more of her belongings home and my car has more trunk space) and felt something cold. And wet. Yep, his roof is leaking. Poor man. 

Still determined, I ignored the drip and headed down the road. Pop! One of the windshield wipers was gone, just like that. The blade part just broke right off and only the metal arm was scraping back and forth across the windshield. Sigh. I made a three-point turn and headed home. No errands today. I give up.

Decisions, Decisions...

Frankie the Guinea Fowl usually escorts me to my car every morning, then runs alongside until we reach the property line. I have no idea why; it's just what he does. For some reason, he feels this is his duty and therefore, I'm honored.

This morning, however...no Frankie! I finally traced his chirps into the woods, where he was settled into a hole in the dirt, like a hen sits on a nest. He looked mighty comfortable, but I could tell he was torn, trying to decide whether he should escort (chase) me down the road or stay put. He would lift up an inch or two, then settle back down.

"That's okay, Frankie. You don't have to chase me today."

Ah, conflict. Despite my assurances, I could see him struggling under the weight of the choices. I watched him as I started the car and backed up, curious to see which would win, duty or pleasure. 

It was pleasure; he stayed put, comfy in his earthen nest.

Like Frankie, I found myself struggling to make a similar decision these past two days...duty or pleasure? Should I stay home, finally clean this filthy house, get some work done outside (it's going to be a beautiful weekend!) and catch up on writing and to-do list items?

Or...should I head to the coast, to Galveston, to a birthday party of a friend who's guests will also include George Strait's Ace in the Hole Band and friends from high school I haven't seen in a long, long time?

I hate having to make decisions like this...I know no matter what I decide, I'm going to have regrets.

On the one hand, Galveston has always been a special place to me ...a calming place that would pull me into its arms and soothe me when life threatened to overwhelm me. History, the beach, the sea and sun...ah, my idea of heaven. Then there are the friends I haven't seen in close to a year...I was really looking forward to spending some time with them, walking along the Strand or the seawall before heading for the party. And of course, with the Ace in the Hole band playing, there would be dancing...

On the other hand, and you might not realize this unless you're a first-class Procrastinator like me, but I've discovered something: if you ignore a to-do list long enough, it swells into a huge, hulking monster that looms over you, sucking the fun out of everything. And right now my house is splattered with so many lists morphing into monsters, so many scraps of paper with random thoughts scribbled on them that even I don't comprehend - like my brain exploded or something - that my house now resembles the setting of a Stephen King novel.

So, reluctantly, I'm choosing duty over pleasure this time. I need to be a grownup, damn it. I hate that! I can't believe I'm choosing staying home to tackle chores over a party in Galveston!

But I realize if I don't stop and breathe and tackle this mess it will consume me. Nothing will hold pleasure for me until the biggest monster has been tamed. I'm realistic enough to know this guy isn't going to disappear in one weekend, but maybe I'll be able to at least clean him up like Harry on Harry and the Hendersons. I love that movie! Maybe this will be a fun weekend, after all!

 

 

Oh, Saturday, Saturday...How I love thee...

You wake me gently with promises of long hours spent together...hours and hours to fill with a week's worth of dreams, plans and longings.

I rise and we have a leisurely breakfast. No rush, you tell me. There's plenty of time.

With your whispered reassurances warm in my ear, I linger a few extra minutes on the back porch with the critters, Max and Frankie, after their breakfast...scratching Max's neck, chirping back and forth with Frankie, sipping my coffee and listening to the roar of the little waterfall below me. Such a relaxing change from the rush, rush, rush of the work week.

There's some laundry that needs folding, dust that needs removing, papers that need filing, but you convince me I have time to check my email, talk to each of my babies on the phone, go for a long walk along the creek with the guys, and lounge on the couch with my sweetie, imagining ourselves trodding narrow streets in Seville with Rick Steves via his "Travel in Europe"...without even folding the clothes or multi-tasking in any way.

But then, before I know it, it's time to head out the door to a birthday party and I haven't scratched a single thing off of my list! What happened? Where did the day go? The hours have slipped through my fingers...time gone that I can never get back.

Once again, I fell for your smooth, sweet-talking lies, just like last week...and the week before that. I sigh, looking back on the day, and realize, This was a good day.

Thank you, Saturday. Same time, next week?

Saturday Snippets...the End of a Week

Ah, we're such bad "parents"...here we are on the coldest morning since 1996 - it got down in the teens last night - and we had barely a spoonful of seed left for Frankie's breakfast. I gave him a couple of nuggets from Max's canned dog food to tide him over - he loves those! He attacks them like big bugs...so fun to watch!

Daniel brought seed home on his lunch break from the hardware store where he works and we'll try to do a better job keeping a full seed jar for the poor guinea from now on.

The wave of winter actually washed over us early yesterday morning...the wind whipped into my face during our morning walk and the sun was a mere bleach spot on a gray flannel sky.

But this morning the wind disappeared and the sun shone bright...by lunchtime it was already back in the thirties - warm enough for our Saturday walk and, without the wind, even too warm for my knit cap and gloves!

*********************************

Our oldest son Tommy is here for the weekend. We won't get to see much of him - he's here to attend a friend's wedding (a friend from high school and his first college roommate...it took awhile, but I'm finally getting used to the idea that they are old enough to get married...)

Last night we had a little bit of time with him, watching movies and visiting, and I'm pretty sure we'll have time with him again tonight. I'll take whatever I can get. We've seen him more the past two months than we had the rest of the year combined, but I can't think of anything else on the calendar-horizon to bring him our way for quite awhile.

**********************************

The first step in a project is always the toughest, isn't it? One of my goals for the next two months is to Sort, Clear and Organize, inside and out of this house; I've been thinking the best place to start is the laundry room, where all kinds of junk landed when we moved in for want of anywhere else to put it. Usually just the thought of it all exhausts me, but I woke up determined to get started.

My determination probably would have flitted away with the day, but I happened to mention it to Tom. Lo and behold, he had been thinking it was a good time to finish that room himself - as in the walls needed to be sanded, texture applied and then painted. So we teamed up and cleared out the junk! It wasn't as dramatic as I hoped...essentially we just moved the wire shelving from the laundry room to the middle of the hallway between the boys' rooms and the television room downstairs...I couldn't part with much of the stuff and still don't know where else to put any of it, so the shelves are filled with the same junk, more or less. Still, at least I went through it and reminded myself of what's down there. It's a start...

*********************************

Thursday night was all football...Longhorns vs. Alabama. It didn't end the way I hoped or expected, of course, and I feel so bad for Colt McCoy (click here to watch his post-game interview...he shows a lot of class in response to a ridiculous question from a reporter...I mean, come on...how do you think he felt?)

We did our best to support the team...we ate Tex-Mex (fajitas, courtesy of our friends who came over to help us cheer them on)...Conni and I covered ourselves in burnt orange and Longhorn bling...but it just wasn't enough, I guess. Next year...

***********************************

It's always a bit of an adjustment having the kids home from school...more laundry, more cooking, more noise. But I can honestly say I'm still enjoying it and I think I'll miss them when they head back to school in a week or so.

When their classes start, mine does, too: Novel Writing Part II. I'm ready to jump back into my great-great grandfather's story and finish fleshing it out on paper. My primary goal is to get the first draft finished, but I'm optimistic that once I finish it, it won't take long to run through it a second time. I think at that point I'll feel confident enough to start sending out the first three chapters to agents, editors, publishers...accompanied by lots of prayer!

First things first, though. I've had a request for King Ranch Chicken casserole for dinner tonight and I better get started on it...Mom and Wife first, Writer second. Always.

West Texas weekend - Kirby, windmills, and Merkel cousins

The first thought in my mind and the first words out of my mouth this morning..."I'm tired..." even before my feet hit the floor. Probably not the best way to start a Monday, but I wouldn't trade this past whirlwind West Texas weekend for anything. It was totally worth the exhaustion, and not just because I had all three of my kids together again. (There will be plenty of time to sleep in January...right?)

The weekend started Friday morning...my crew headed west to Lubbock for Tommy's girlfriend Kirby's graduation from Texas Tech University. We were driving through Abilene before I realized we would be passing within single digit miles of my cousin Sherlyn's house (this is one of my problems - sometimes I focus on the big picture in an abstract way...in this case, the graduation...and forget about the details...like the journey out there.)

"Hey, Sherlyn...what're you doing?"

"Having lunch with a friend. What are you doing?"

"Driving through Abilene..."

"What???"

She was at a restaurant right next to the highway, so we met her there and followed her back to her house for a quick visit with her and some of her kids. We promised to stop on our way back home for lunch and a longer visit on Sunday.

I love driving through West Texas...but that always always catches me by surprise. In my mind, it's flat and empty...in reality, it's full of surprise drop-offs, canyons and plateaus...vistas that go for miles and miles. Beautiful! How can I forget them?

My only prior experience with Lubbock was passing through on my way to Colorado, and I have to admit, it had never really impressed me before...it seemed a little, um, drab. But by the time Sunday rolled around and it was time to leave, I was hoping we could come back some day - we never even made it to the Buddy Holly museum or the Llano winery, much less Palo Duro Canyon, only a couple of hours away. (Bucket list #44..."Return to Lubbock")

However, we still had a packed weekend...besides the graduation itself early Saturday morning, we got a taste of Kirby's college life outside of class (drinks at Crickets Grill and Draft House on Friday night and margaritas at Chimy's on Saturday afternoon). Also on Saturday, we celebrated with her family at a luncheon at her sorority house and a dinner at Lisa West's Double Nickel Steakhouse (melt-in-your-mouth steaks!), and even slipped in one side trip of our own...a visit to the Windmill Museum!

We were happy we could help Kirby celebrate her graduation - despite transferring from another college and switching majors, and being treasurer of her sorority, she still graduated in only 3 1/2 years with a degree in finance! That is something to celebrate!

Just seeing the university was special for me for another reason, though. After World War II, my dad attended Texas Tech for one or two semesters (it might have been more - I never can remember) before leaving to follow his dream of becoming a Texas Highway Patrolman.

We made it to Sherlyn's by lunchtime on Sunday. I'm ashamed to admit it, but even though they live less than four hours away, until this weekend it had been almost eighteen years since we'd been to their house. (Thank goodness she had made trips to Houston and Austin to see us!) We vowed to be back soon.

I was eager to get home, though. I worried about Max being left there without Charly. (Frankie is company, but he's not Charly.) I needn't have worried; Max was fine. Frankie actually seemed the most relieved that we were home...he hovered near the door and snuck inside when it opened, taking advantage of us being loaded down with luggage. He made a quick inspection of the livingroom, then, satisfied it was safe, I guess, headed out the French doors when Tom went out to get some firewood. Good guard guinea.

Scenes from Kirby's graduation...

Windmills...a Dandy like ours...old next to new...

 
Tom, me, Sherlyn, Scott...cousins by birth, friends by choice...distance has never been able to keep us apart...

The Next Day...

This morning I slept later than usual...I reset my alarm three times and finally just turned it off. Eventually, I remembered all of the things I needed to do before work and rolled out of bed, just as the sun was coming up.

I stepped through my morning routine, piddling with little tasks. I knew eventually I would have to step outside the door to take Max for our walk...I would have to face Charly's absence...and so I kept putting it off until I had to go - I was running out of time, but I owed it to Max.

So I did it - I stepped out on the porch and said "Let's go for a walk!" Max rose from his bed and came to me, whimpering. I scratched his head and said, "I know."

And then we walked. Frankie started off with us, but then went back to the house, like he did yesterday. But Max and I walked to the curve and back.

He was confused that we walked so fast. He disappeared into the woods and when he came back out, I was ahead of him.

It was different, this walk. I've spent so many years walking with Charly...even this morning, I felt he was there beside me. But even with Max beside me on the return trip, I felt a sense of loneliness. I think Max felt it, too.

On the return trip, I looped around to where we buried him, to check on his spot. I wanted to make sure nothing had disturbed it. I spent a few minutes there, thinking about those first walks with him, when we first got to really know each other after his fight with Chewy...when I had to walk him on the leash after his surgery. We'd follow this loop down to the pond, up the driveway and down the road a bit, going slow because of his injury. The fight had been a tragedy, no doubt about that. But out of it came this friendship that I will always treasure.

Today was easier than I expected it to be. I guess it's because I know we made the right decision - I wish we hadn't had to make it, but it was forced upon us. I loved him too much to watch him go down any further.

We've had many sweet messages from friends and they all truly help - even though we've been through this before, for some reason it helps to hear from others who have lost pets and know exactly what we are going through.

I'm trying hard to repress certain thoughts...like the fact that Max is already six years old, and a big dog...a very big dog...so we probably have, perhaps, four more years with him, if we're lucky. Four years will fly by.

And Frankie...how old is he? How long do guineas live?

No, I won't think about these things, except to remember to treat every day with them like it might be my last. I'll give Frankie his seed and talk to him because he's a chatterbox and so sociable...and I'll try to remember to brush Max every day, because he likes it, and to let him snuggle on me and give me "sweet kisses" even though they pinch and hurt like hell sometimes, because he's such an affectionate dog...and as much as I'd love to, I won't have him forever. Except in my heart, of course, with Charly.

Writing...and not writing

I expected a stormy afternoon. Instead, blue skies and a brisk wind greeted me when I stepped outside after work...invigorating weather that makes you want to forget about to-do lists and go hiking in the woods. So that's what I did when I got home - I joined Tom and the boys for a walk down to the damn dam (another several tons of dirt have collapsed into our pond and a big chunk is breaking away, ready to fall.)

Next, we headed across our own dam and down to our little pond and waterfall. I love watching the water rush over the rock ledge into the pool...love the rushing, cleansing sound of it. We spent some time down there, peering downstream at the overgrown brush. I could tell Tom's brain-wheels were turning -  he has decided to focus on the creek, clear out the brush, build some little paths so we can enjoy that part of our property, rather than the big pond, to take our eyes and minds off of the damn dam.

We wandered back to the house, ate dinner, cleaned up the kitchen. He headed up to work on his car and then down to exercise and watch television. I started some laundry then headed to the computer to find information for a new post on our Jobs4Autism  website, check emails and catch up on Facebook. I took a break to watch the Office, move laundry around, load the dishwasher and now here I am again, at 9pm trying to toss my loose thoughts onto this blog so I can work on my book. About the time I finally get going on it and start losing myself in the story, bedtime taps me on the shoulder. A few years ago I would have ignored it and kept writing, but that's getting harder and harder to do the older I get.

I know, I know....there are a few ways I could squeeze in more time for writing. Perhaps ignore Facebook or skip The Office. But really...I don't watch much television to begin with, and keeping in touch with people on Facebook has been a real blessing. And my blog not only clears my head and serves as warm-up writing, but it's therapeutic. Ain't touching that!

Well, I'll just keep chipping away in 30 to 40 minute increments every night and hope for more time down the road. Eventually, a book will emerge.

It helps that I have friends who believe in my writing. My friend Rae gave me this pencil box and it sits on my desk in front of me as I write...a reminder (thank you, sweet Rae!)

My List

I just stumbled through the door, home after an afternoon of shopping with Kendall...after breakfast and lunch with precious friends...after a night of just 5 hours of sleep because I wanted to enjoy every minute I had with these 'girls' of my youth who gathered at my house for the weekend to celebrate Ann's birthday.

My eyes were getting very, very heavy and I was chewing gum, singing with the radio, and praying fervently that I'd make it home without falling asleep at the wheel. Flipping through the stations, I came across "My List" by Toby Keith. (It might be an old song, but it's new to me.) The lyrics really hit me - if you switch the genders, the message seems so appropriate for me, the "To-Do List Maker."

If it's new to you, too, I recommend it (click here for the video.) Now I'm going to ignore everything that I should do around here and, upon my friends' advice, go soak in the neglected jacuzzi tub for awhile before bed. I'll think about the wonderful weekend and give thanks for these lifelong friendships...

Under an old brass paperweight is my list of things to do today
Go to the bank and the hardware store, put a new lock on the cellar door
I cross 'em off as I get 'em done but when the sun is set
There's still more than a few things left I haven't got to yet

Go for a walk, say a little prayer
Take a deep breath of mountain air
Put on my glove and play some catch
It's time that I make time for that
Wade the shore and cast a line
Look up a long lost friend of mine
Sit on the porch and give my girl a kiss
Start livin', that's the next thing on my list

Wouldn't change the course of fate but cuttin' the grass just had to wait
'Cause I've got more important things like pushin' my kid on the backyard swing
I won't break my back for a million bucks I can't take to my grave
So why put off for tomorrow what I could get done today

Like go for a walk, say a little prayer
Take a deep breath of mountain air
Put on my glove and play some catch
It's time that I make time for that
Wade the shore and cast a line
Look up a long lost friend of mine
Sit on the porch and give my girl a kiss
Start livin', that's the next thing on my list

Raise a little hell, laugh 'til it hurts
Put an extra five in the plate at church
Call up my folks just to chat
It's time that I make time for that
Stay up late, then oversleep
Show her what she means to me
Catch up on all the things I've always missed
Just start livin', that's the next thing on my list

Under an old brass paperweight
Is my list of things to do today

Procrastinator's Creed

I just hung up from talking to Tommy, my oldest that lives and works near Dallas. I rarely get to see him or talk to him. He's never been much of a phone-talker, but now, as a transportation broker, he has to spend hours on the phone at work. So I hesitate to call him - I know the last thing he wants to do when he gets home is talk on the phone...to his mother...but I had a question for him about an upcoming family wedding. He ended up talking quite a bit, telling me about work...his weekend...his upcoming plans.

I had other things I planned to do before heading to bed, but cleared them from my mind, reminding myself that a phone conversation with Tommy doesn't come around very often.

This little verse I first heard when he was a baby keeps running through my head. I think it still applies...

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow, for...<insert one of the following or make up your own>

 

...<babies grow up>
 ...<grown sons don't talk on the phone very often>
 ...<college kids don't like to come home>
 ...<parents grow older>
 ...<friends/family live out of town and we hardly get to see them>
 ...<we've gotten too busy and haven't seen our local friends in a long time>

 

...we've learned to our sorrow. So settle down cobwebs, dust go to sleep. I'm...

 

...<rocking my baby>
...<talking to my grown son>
...<spending time with my college kids>
...<visiting my parents>
...<getting together with out-of-town friends/family>
...<getting together with local friends>

 

and babies...grown sons...college kids...parents...friends...family don't keep.

 

 

 

Feeling Wild...

It is an absolutely gorgeous day in Texas, the end of an absolutely gorgeous weekend. Perfect temperatures, clear blue skies, flowers blooming, dragonflies buzzing....

I've spent a weekend surrounded by friends, experiencing new places, food and drink...cheering, laughing, hugging. And it hasn't stopped yet...

We snagged Daniel from his apartment late last night - he came home to do his laundry and just hang out at the house with us. I planned to spend this day trying to get caught up on my to-do list and enjoy the sunshine.

But something is calling me and I have to answer - the call of the wild..."Where the Wild Things Are" is playing nearby - one of my all-time favorite children's books. Who better to see it with than one of my own "Max"s (Daniel). We've thoroughly justified the shirking of responsibility in our own minds. I'm not sure if Tom will buy our excuses, but that usually doesn't stop us.

Off to the wild rumpus...

Running in Circles

A father's birthday celebration. A sick child. I was in limbo.

The critters were fed, bills were paid, I was showered and dressed, ready to hit the road to Pasadena, but I just couldn't go out the door. Although the child is technically an adult, not living at home and there was really nothing I could do, for some reason I just couldn't move a step farther away from her. Just in case she needed me.

My parents supported my decision not to come for the celebration. They probably would have even chastised me if I showed up there: they've always been the same kind of parents...on stand-by for us, 24-7.

The good news is my baby's fever broke - her cough, sore throat and asthma are all much better. Tamiflu and Prednisone - wonder drugs!

I've been craving a day at home to make a dent in this  mess, and one had been handed to me. But I took a look around and immediately felt stressed - where do I start? There was no way I could get it all done - cleaning AND organizing - so in the end I chose organizing. Dirt I can overlook (up to a certain point), but having things out of place, piled up, waiting to be returned to their proper spot, or, worse yet, still waiting for a proper spot...oh, someone hand me a paper bag! I'm hyperventilating again!

It was still a matter of focusing in one area and I chose my desk. After several hours of work, I'm happy to report that most of the piles are gone, files are returned to the file cabinet and others are shredded. It feels pretty good. Someone walking in my house wouldn't notice a damn thing different, but I feel like a teeny bit of weight is lifted off my shoulders.

Besides swimming through paperwork today, Tom and I took the dogs for a walk (Frankie still won't come with us. What's going on?) We climbed to the top of the hill near the curve, where a gazillionaire had started preparing to build his underground house, then just stopped. We haven't been up there in months - since before the triple digit temperatures - but nothing has changed. Such a mystery! It was a gray day, but the temperatures are down in the 50's - perfect for a walk on a country road to the top of a hill with a wonderful view of the hollow.

Charly climbed the hill with us. I'm starting to think he's got a few more years left!

Besides checking on my baby's condition via cell phone (wonderful inventions - how did parents survive long-distance relationships before?) and celebrating my dad's birthday vicariously over the phone, I  worked on my book, moved the laundry around, and practiced folding fitted sheets (thanks to a how-to video my friend Kim posted on Facebook. I'm hoping one day I'll be able to fold them without having to watch the video!)

That still doesn't seem like much for a whole day at home, though, does it?

Oh, I also caught up on some of my emails and came across this cartoon from my high school yearbook teacher - it's perfect for forgetful, always-running-in-circles-and-never-getting-anywhere procrastinators like me (thanks, Bob!) Happy Saturday!

Finding the Right Balance

Something about the start of a new school year always fires me up - I find myself making resolutions, setting goals, and getting organized as if it were New Year's Eve!  I think about starting projects that have been pushed from season to season and ultimately ignored all year, as if I have to get them done right NOW!

Maybe it's leftover from childhood, this excitement, this sense of a new beginning. No matter what went wrong in the previous year, a new school year was a chance for a fresh start.

Right now I'm mostly fired up about my Number One Goal - writing my book. My "class" starts tomorrow, so I've been trying to straighten up my "classroom", which means sorting through all the crap that has accumulated around the computer and the piles of odds-and-ends on my desk in the library (it's just a door on sawhorses, so it makes a great place to temporarily put things that are then promptly forgotten.)

I've come across at least four books I started reading this past year, napkin-bookmarks waving at me optimistically from quarter points. When was the last time I finished a book? I really can't remember. That's another one of my goals: read more. I'm determined to finish ALL of these books. Maybe one night a week I'll set aside just for reading...

Two of my mother's photo albums are sitting on the desk...I brought them home with me several months ago, intending to scan all of the pictures, return them and bring back two more, and so on, until I had them all saved in my computer. One of those summertime projects that just drifted along, in no hurry to be done. I bet if I spend thirty minutes or so every evening after work, before I start writing, I could get them all scanned in no time...

On the other side of the library four big boxes are stacked against one wall, and several plastic bins. It sure would be nice to move those down to the storage room, but it's already so full...boxes and boxes of arts and crafts supplies, dress-up clothes, and no telling what else ... all summer I've been meaning to get down there and go through all of the boxes to see what I need to keep and what can be tossed...maybe...

Focus, Barbara!!

Well, it's clear I'm my own worst enemy. I'm going to have lots of distractions, even with the kids out of the house. I can't just ignore everything else around here - obviously, I'm going to have to find some kind of balance, and that if I want to have a completed novel under my belt by the end of this semester, the balance will have to lean toward my writing. Wish me luck! You can see I'm going to need it.

Taggin' Along and Catchin' Up

My friend Darla's daughter finished up two weeks of summer camp in East Texas today. Another friend, Patti, offered to let her spend last night at her lakehouse near the camp so she wouldn't have to make such a long drive first thing this morning. Darla invited me to go along just for fun.

Heck, yes! Road trip!

Never mind that I'm always complaining about not having enough time in the day to get everything done and that I'm quick to use "no time" as an excuse that the laundry is piling up or the refrigerator is empty or my book isn't written.  Life's just too short to pass up a chance for a change of scenery...hours yakking with dear friends...sipping margaritas as the sun sets on a beautiful lake...witnessing first hand the reunion between a mother and daughter who have been separated for two weeks...and, to be honest, catching a glimpse of what a real "Parent Trap" camp looks like.

So what if I'm sitting at the end of another "not much accomplished" weekend - I have no regrets at all. For one thing, at the end of last week I zoomed around getting things done just so I could go without too much guilt - I was whooped! I needed a break!

 Here's a quick update of the end of last week... 

Thursday...our anniversary. We had a wonderful dinner at Outback Steakhouse (free, thanks to a gift card someone special gave us.) And even though my car was supposed to be my our anniversary gift, he surprised me with a Windberg print of an old barn he discovered on Craig's List (I've been a fan for thirty years) and a beautiful, sweet card - a good thing, because of the video he sent me via email earlier in the week, entitled "The Perfect Marriage" (see it below.)

 My gift to him? I settled on only one card instead of buying three like I usually do and I'm not taking a class this semester. (I know...pretty lame...but he really is impossible to shop for! And these things really do make him happy!)

Friday...TG's last day at work. Our bosses took us both to lunch at a new place in town (new for all of us, anyway.) I'm going to miss having her nearby all day long.

After dinner we shopped - I think we scoured every clearance rack in Kohl's and finished up just before the lights went out - and laughed till we cried listening to comedy channels on my free-for-now XM Radio. It's hard to believe that this time next week she'll be settling into life as a college freshman, and Tom and I will really and truly be empty-nesters!

Below...a taste of lake life with dear friends...a sign from the camp (I want one for my house!)...the "funny" email Tom sent me...

  

Mixing Blessings

    It rained today! Not just a sprinkling that left streaks in the dust on my van, but a real downpour that made Charly nervous and Max bark and Frankie want to come in the house. They had forgotten what this strange stuff was! It came down so hard that the tail-end of my van was washed clean!

    ...which caused a problem later when Tom and Daniel were trying to find it near the volunteer fire department, where I'd managed to wrestle it into a parking space after one of the important belts slipped off (after getting wet...from the rain) and the power steering went out (and the battery light came on and the temperature shot up to HIGH!) Kendall and I had made it close enough to work that Boss Kay was able to zip out to retrieve us before heading out to her meeting.

    Tom had planned to make the rounds at dealerships after work - we wanted to take advantage of the "Cash for Clunkers" government program...trade in our old black truck (the REAL guzzler - a diesel truck - has been sitting for over a year uninsured because we didn't want to drive it, so it didn't qualify!)...and get some little FULLY WARRANTIED high-gas-mileage car for me to drive. I'm hard on cars and he's tired of having to constantly fix them.

    Well, instead he had to leave work early, rescue me and Kendall from work and fix my van, and in the meantime, we hear that the program has been suspended. Dealerships were FLOODED with clunkers, drowning in paperwork, and frozen out of the government's "clunker" website. No one had any idea how much money had already been handed out or if the dealerships would get reimbursed. I feel like a little kid who was promised a trip to the toy store to get whatever she wanted, and now the trip has been cancelled, the promise snatched away. (Not that I would be getting just "anything" I wanted - there is a HUGE difference in my 'druthers' and my 'whatcha gets', I do believe!)

    So in a way, the belt coming off was a good thing...the van will finally get fixed and inspected (fingers-crossed), plus Tom didn't have to waste a lot of time looking at brand-new shiny cars and talking to dealers only to find the program was put on hold...well, I'm not sure he thinks that's a good trade, but I do! If he fixes the squealing belt once and for all, I'll be fine driving that old red van a while longer. It's paid for and has air-conditioning - what more could I ask for?

Texas, 1850 to 1920...

 

...give or take a few years. That's where I'll be the next two weeks, if anyone is looking for me. My screenplay deadline is growing large...and hairy...with fangs dripping blood...and huge sharp claws...and...okay, that's enough. But it is starting to resemble a gigantic monster that can only be appeased by (many) more pages of screenplay than I have written, and if I don't produce them by Wednesday, May 13, I fear I will be eaten up.

    So I have no choice but to dive head-first into my great-great grandfather's world, only coming up for emergencies like writing overdue thank-you notes, work and paying bills, TG's soccer games, and a friend's 50th birthday party (give me a break - those are important, too!) Maybe a blog or two, for therapy, or a glance at Facebook and emails, just to check on folks.

    But I will try not to stress out about the ticking clock, dwindling groceries, dirty house, overflowing laundry, flat tires (that was my Monday this week), issues with friends, family, kids, or animals. Please excuse me for being selfish.

Now, here I go! Wish me luck!

Miracles and Elusive Minutes

    I had big plans for yesterday morning - things to catch up on, maybe even get ahead. I certainly got up early enough, but before I knew it, it was time to leave for work, and nothing I had planned to do was done! 

    Does anyone else ever get the feeling that someone is playing tricks on them by moving the hands on the clocks up a couple of hours? 

    Granted, I took time to snap some pictures of the buds on the fruit tree outside the middle school, and of the critters on our walk, and some new yellow blooms on an ugly-as-sin bush near the curve, and a couple of yellow flowers hiding under the winter grass, but still...it was a beautiful day (and today is,too) and I think on days like this you have to slow down a little to focus on and appreciate the little details.

    Today, I'm especially appreciating the fact that my sister's angels surrounded her yesterday when a dumptruck broadsided her little car. Every day you read of people being killed in accidents like that, yet she was able to crawl out the passenger door, and tests today confirmed there's nothing broken, just a lot (a LOT) of sore muscles.

    And I'm appreciating the fact that I had another day with my old puppy Charly...we're down to the "taking it a day at a time" time with him. But today, he ate with gusto and ran ahead of Max into the woods on our walk this morning (granted, Max was walking, but STILL...Charly RAN!)

    Right now I'm catching my breath (and savoring another cup of coffee) before I get swept up in the weekend - I'll be off in a minute to the grocery store to stock up for a full house: both Tommy and Daniel will be here tonight. Tom and Tommy are heading out bright and early to buy Tommy a car. Tonight I'm looking forward to hanging out with them, probably watching a funny (silly) movie. Tomorrow, I'll be filling out FAFSA forms, keeping my fingers crossed that Kendall's and Daniel's financial aid packages include more scholarships and grants than loans.

    Here are yesterday's distractions...Spring is around the corner, for sure!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Truth According to Kafka

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS SOME UNJUSTIFIABLE WHINING.   

    "Sidney, uh, how many pages do we need to have done by next week?"
    "Oh, just enough to get an idea of the main character, get to the first turning point, so, say twenty or thirty?"
    (gasps from several of us.)
    "Come on, people, this is a writing class - you should be writing. At least 15 to 20 pages a week! And don't forget - I need your samples before Wednesday so I can read them and make them available to the class beforehand."
    "How early?"
    "ASAP. Now would be good."
    "What's the LATEST?" (ever the procrastinator)
    "Say...Saturday. At the LATEST!"

    So by Saturday morning - actually Friday night since we're going to Houston Saturday morning - I need to have at LEAST the first 20 pages of my screenplay done. Let's see, if you subtract what I already have, that leaves...20 pages. I do have 20 or so pages written from last semester, but I've changed how I want to start it, so right now most of those do me no good. 
     So, okay, somehow, between work, meeting my cousin this evening in town to watch her daughter play basketball at Concordia University (a cousin I only get to see once or twice a year, if I'm lucky), and the usual eating, sleeping, laundry, kids, critters, husband stuff, I've got to come up with the 20 pages by tomorrow night. And after that, I need to churn out 3 or 4 pages a day until it's finished.

    If this was a novelization, I wouldn't have a problem (easy for me to say right now, since it's not a novelization.) But I'm still just getting the feel for screenplays - what to leave in, what to leave out, when to capitalize, indent, what all the acronyms stand for...

"A writer is somebody for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people." ~ Thomas Mann

    It's only been in the past couple of years that I've been able to work out a balance that meets my spiritual, physical and mental needs almost every day. I'm going to have to throw it all out of kilter to get this done. But this is something I want to do - NEED to do - and so I'm just going to do it. Somehow. Some way. And hopefully without losing too much sleep.

    By sheer coincidence (or was it?), today I came across this revelation by Franz Kafka from a blog called Daily Routines: "As he recognized, the truth was that he wasted time."

    The truth can be cruel, can't it?

Watching the Minutes Tick Away...or...Finding "Shallue Worldwide Ltd."

    I do believe in karma, or whatever you want to call it when things come back to bite you in the butt.

    For instance, I just planned to take a few minutes after Kendall and I came home from shopping and I finished my fruit salad, and before I "moved the laundry around" some more and cleaned off my desk, balanced my checkbook, etc...just a few minutes, mind you, to glance at Facebook and see what my friends had been up to. Just a glance. Just a few minutes.

    That was almost an hour ago. I think.

    Where does karma fit in to this scenario? Well, I have vivid memories of nagging the backs of my kids' heads (faces glued to the computer screen) about wasting so much time on Facebook - didn't they have homework? Didn't Daniel need to feed the dogs? Had Kendall unloaded the dishwasher yet? What about their laundry that was piled up and falling off of their dressers...shouldn't they be putting that away instead of WASTING time on Facebook?

    I was asking for it, that's for sure.

    But I never realized back then how much FUN Facebook could be! For instance, I've been glancing over all the groups that my 'friends' have joined recently - there's one for my old high school, my old junior high, my town. There are religious ones, philosophical ones, political ones...it was fun looking at them, finding the ones I wanted to join, seeing what my friends had joined. Kind of like high school.

    The biggest surprise was seeing that my sister-in-law had joined one sporting an image of Homer Simpson lifting a beer mug with "To Alcohol" screaming across the top of the logo. TOTALLY not Cathy! I'm PRETTY sure Cathy doesn't even drink - maybe a glass of wine here and there - so it really caught me off guard! Until I noticed the name of the group..."You'd probably have better luck with a beer...Shallue Worldwide Ltd. (a global group)"

    Of course, I had to join, too, even though I don't drink beer anymore. There were only 13 members...3 of them were my own kids! But another 3 were from Australia so it qualifies as a global group (well, I'm guessing about one because he didn't look familiar, but then, I haven't been to Wisconsin where the main concentration of Shallue's still lives in a long, long time.)

    Apparently back in the 1850's, when the Shallue's decided it was time to get the heck out of Ireland, two of the brothers got on the wrong boat and went to Australia. At least, that's how the story has been passed down on this continent. I just sent messages to all of them, requesting their 'friendship'...we'll see if they accept me, and if they do, I'll see if their version of the story matches ours.

    On Facebook, anyone can be a Shallue, though. The group is open to everyone!

    I wonder how many Shallue's there are in Australia now. I'm not sure how many are here in the states, but one thing is for sure - if they're a Shallue, we're related...well, me by marriage, but you know what I mean. There are way more than thirteen, I know that for sure. Heck, in the summer of 2007 I had close to 40 of them living in my house for a few days - all descended from Tom's parents - to help celebrate Tom's 50th birthday and our 25th wedding anniversary. (The first photo is of Tom's parents and all the boys. The next one is ALL of us - parents, brothers, wives, kids - at least those who attended. Some of the wives and kids couldn't come. Both photos courtesy of the oldest brother, Kenny, and his daughter, Carol.)

 

Joining Some Friendly Faces...

          Leslie: "Why aren't you on Facebook?"
          me:     "Huh? Are YOU on Facebook?"
          Leslie: "Yeah. EVERYONE is! Darla, Ann, both Ginas..."     

    It turns out my friends have been partying without me...

    Now, it just so happens I had been thinking about getting on Facebook for a couple of weeks. My friend Kim had sent in invitation asking me to join so I could see her pictures and know what was going on with her now that she's moved farther away and we never see each other.
    I first said no...no way! It's tough enough chiseling out time for this blog! I've caught glimpses of my kids' Facebook pages (before they're minimized!) and they looked pretty intricate, as in complicated. Like work. Like time spent 'fixing' it up. Time I should use working on all the things I put off doing while I blog (see "Procrastination").
    On top of all of that, I remember when Tommy first joined Facebook  - it was just for college kids. He complained when it was opened up to high schoolers, and now Kendall is always complaining about the "old" people trying to act like kids on Facebook. 
    But then I kept thinking about it and thought, well, why not? I realized it would be about the only way to stay in touch with Kim, and who says it's just for 'kids' anymore? 

    Unfortunately, that's as far as I had gotten with the decision until I talked to Leslie last night. She inspired me to ignore the still-decorated Christmas tree standing next to the computer and just do it. After all, I had already scratched something important off my to-do list - I finally registered for my class.
    It was easier than I thought it would be - and I already knew a LOT of people! Kim's invitation was there waiting for me, like a housewarming gift. I've had people write on my "wall" and send me messages and I don't feel like such a wallflower anymore. I still haven't figured it all out or completed all of my "favorites" lists, but all in due time...just like the Christmas tree and decorations... 

A Priority Problem

    I've procrastinated registering for the spring semester, and this is why: the advanced screenwriting class (which I should take so these first few pages don't just turn into dust, untouched and neglected) is an actual physical class, on a campus with traffic issues, parking issues, desks, as well as a teacher and classmates with faces.

    Well, that in itself isn't a problem. Despite the lack of flexibility and extra time required for traveling, I like the feel of a classroom...the camaraderie, the discipline, carrying my books and taking notes. I know. I'm weird.

    The problem is the class meets one night a week, and that night is Wednesday.

    Wednesdays = "Lost"

    And therein lies my dilemma. It's really pretty sad, isn't it? No WONDER I haven't had anything published in a while.

    Of course, now that I've confessed, I recognize that the scales aren't really evenly balanced - this isn't a decision crisis after all. Watching all the "Lost" episodes isn't on my list of personal goals, but finishing this screenplay is, so NATCH!...for the next few months, Wednesdays = screenplay class, not "Lost."

    (They do run the episodes online, don't they?)

Day 2 - Rambling

    How quickly resolutions can dissolve once the real world - like work - makes its appearance. I won't go through a boring list of what I did or didn't get done today. Let's just say it's a good thing I resolved to be flexible and not stress about it...too much, anyway. Work is both a necessity and a blessing, so I'm not about to whine or complain about it...

    Kendall was watching "Schindler's List" when I got home, and I sat and watched a little of it with her. It illustrates both ends of the human spectrum - that we're capable of so much evil AND so much good. I love the end of it, when the actual people whose lives Schindler saved honor his memory by placing stones on his grave - such a great image of the impact his actions had on so many lives.   

    Good news, though...if you're feeling depressed because you've already broken your New Year's Resolutions, eat a banana! Seriously! Among other benefits, they are supposed to help you think happier thoughts, according to Dr. Mehmet Oz of Real Age. Read about the happy banana here.

    Ah, tomorrow is Saturday...I have a long to-do list which includes a trip to the grocery store, packing up the Christmas colors, and registering for the spring semester. And Kendall wants to get started on the FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid) - UGH! It's something I tend to put at the top of my procrastination list, despite its importance, so I'm glad she's full of zeal about it. I just wish she could do it by herself!

    

Anyone Have Some Cheese to Go With My Whine?

    I totally apologize for my last post. Sometimes I drive myself crazy!

    The truth is, I talked to Tommy on the phone about his new job for almost an hour two nights ago. I've talked to my mom at least twice this week, my sister a couple of times, and three or four friends.

    ...I'm working more hours, but not as many as most people, so I can fit in a college class. I'm able to continue working at the computer while I eat lunch, and my commute is wonderful, so that saves me even more time. And I'm learning interesting stuff, like how to shoot videos and post them on the web, all while getting paid. I've figured out how to put together professional photography lamps and learning how to use them, all on the job.

    ...I'm all caught up on reading my 'real conversation' emails (as opposed to the forwards which are at the bottom of my list), although I admit I haven't answered all of them.

    ...Last night I spent several hours shopping with Kendall, drinking coffee, talking, and night before last Daniel and I started discussing some current social issue (I can't even remember what it was) that led to a discussion about my great-great grandfather (the one I'm writing about), so we googled some historical subjects, including him, which led to the discovery of a post on a blog about him and his memoir! (I emailed the author but he/she hasn't responded yet. I'm VERY curious who this could be...a cousin? a random stranger? I'm suspecting someone that works in the UT library. If they ever respond, I'll let you know.)

    ...I have time to walk the dogs (almost) every morning, and on foggy mornings like this one, when the fog closes in, creating my own little timeless world, that's a double blessing.

    ...I blog here almost every day (sometimes twice in one day!), even though I might let the laundry or mail pile up a little.

    The truth is, I have time, and I'm ashamed about complaining about ANYTHING! I have enough time that I have choices to make on how to use it, rather than have those decision made for me, by others or circumstances or life in general.  All I can do is try to use it wisely - and be grateful for the chance to choose.

Feeling the Weight of Time...in Ornaments

Having another child doesn't affect your life in a linear way, as all parents of more than one child will tell you. That's still true, even when the child is twenty.

Daniel is home for Christmas break, and that means more laundry, more groceries, more cooking, more bickering, more vehicles breaking down so more shuttling...but it also means more laughing, more conversation, more hands to help, and more company.

Tom has been busy helping friends, and TG has been away more than usual, too. I think that's why I didn't feel motivated to decorate the tree until Daniel came home - the idea weighed me down, made me feel like I was walking through water, slow and heavy.

With each ornament I pulled from a box and lifted to the tree, memories tugged at my heart... joy tinted with unexpected melancholy.

But with Daniel here, the melancholy faded. What had felt like a chore became pure joy.

I'm not sure why having Daniel home helped - he didn't actually help me decorate the tree. Except for a few brief years when the kids fought over which ornament they got to hang (and the tree, consequently, was a little bottom-heavy in glitter and color) I've always decorated it by myself, usually late at night when they were all asleep.

But I think just knowing they were there, feeling their presence, anticipating their excitement at the sight of the tree invigorated me.

Perhaps just knowing Daniel is home made it feel more like those days gone by and motivated me to dress my naked tree.

Now it sparkles in memories that are happy, funny, and bittersweet...memories of times that went by too fast...memories easier to face when I know someone else cares along with me.

My Life in Ornaments

         Chapter 1 - Childhood: faded blue construction paper star I made and held on to since elementary school; bejeweled and glittered blue styrofoam ball (Girl Scouts); Gingerbread and Winnie-the-Pooh collection Brenda and I bought at Sears, 6th grade, for the first GREEN articial tree we'd ever had (I grew up with an aluminum tree - think vintage 60's - because real trees gave/give me asthma; the year we got a real tree, I spent Christmas Day night in the emergency room; the next year Brenda bought the family one of the first green articial trees - have I mentioned I'm blessed with a wonderful big sister?)    

 

    Chapter 2 - On My Own: colorful, glass ornaments, salt-dough Santa and rocking horse

    Chapter 3 - Tom: Eskimo and dog in 1981 igloo from our first Christmas; Ziggy from our second Christmas; assortment of others marking special anniversaries and highlights; some hand-me-downs from his childhood tree

    Chapter 4 - My Children: Baby's First Christmas 1985...1988...1991...clothespin reindeer and Baby Jesus... glitter, macaroni, beads, construction paper, cinnamon and salt dough... Snow Men, Angels, stars, candy canes, and teddy bears...mementos from pre-school through 8th grade art, cub scouts, girl scouts, choir, and band...vacation in Yellowstone and John's wedding in Mexico...

    Chapter 5 - Friends and Family: cats, wreaths, and angels, gifts over the years; the multi-colored snowflakes and kissing Santas that Grandmother crocheted in the nursing home, and the delicate white one Sharon, my sister-in-law, crocheted while battling cancer, knowing it was probably her last Christmas with her husband and baby girls; the crystal bells and the clip-on ceramic bluejay that Bobbie, my old boyfriend's mom, still my friend, bought Tom and me as a wedding present

 

Blogs, Blogs, Everywhere Blogs

    It boggles (bloggles?) my mind how many blogs are out there...about everything imaginable...and it seems some of them have been out there for YEARS! I had no idea! I'm always WAY behind the times. I've just spent an hour trying to catch up on my favorites, and getting distracted by some of THEIR favorites, and so on. Meanwhile, my tree sits beside me only half-decorated, my desk still hosts a pyramid of unopened mail...well, you get the idea.

    But I wanted to draw attention to a site that helps you decide which blogs might be helpful or just plain entertaining when you have a few minutes to surf...blogs.com. It not only organizes blogs by subject, but they also feature lots of Top 10 Lists - including mine! So when you have time, or even when you don't, check it out here.  My Top 10 List is the one titled Ten Great Writing, Writers, and Artists Blogs.