Long Hollow

Adios, 2008

    The countdown has begun. In a few short hours, it will be a brand new year - the last one in the first decade of the 21st century...this will be the year of my 50th birthday, my baby's high school graduation, and who knows what else.   

    The past few years, Tom and I have a hosted a New Year's Eve party. This year we just weren't up to it - we're both TIRED! Christmas was wonderful, but for me, it just ended yesterday. I haven't had time to think about New Year's (I don't even have a can of black-eyed-peas in the cabinet!) I think we're going to slip quietly into 2009. Except I just remembered Daniel's having some friends over...maybe it won't be so quiet after all.

    When it was time to compose this year's Christmas newsletter, I had a tough time remembering what happened in 2008. I say this every year, but "it just flew by!" Tommy's graduation was the BIGGY! I'm still trying to get used to the idea that he's out of school, independent, on his own - a working man, only coming back here to visit for an occasional weekend, rather than weeks at a time for summer, spring, or winter breaks.

    Starting my blog was pretty big for me, too. Maybe one day I'll have time to write and submit articles or essays again, but right now, between work and school, there's just not time. Jotting my thoughts down on this blog makes me at least write something semi-daily.

    Then there was our adoption by Frankie, the guinea...my new job...our trip to Montana via Kansas and Yellowstone...learning to write screenplays...reconnections and reunions with old friends and the loss of others...

    This next year I'm going to do my best to slow things down, pay attention to details, not let myself get pulled apart in too many different directions. I've started a list of things I want to do this year, because before I know it, I'll be saying "Adios, 2009!"

Here are a few more scenes from the holidays...Kendall playing the flute and avoiding the picture at her last winter concert, Father Joe and I at the church Christmas party, scenes from Hope House, Tommy with his friends Jordi and Graham, and the dogs opening their gifts (blue lobsters)...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I Die - A Question of Ethics

    He had white hair (evident on his head and even his pubic area) and small tattoos on his hands in that spot between his thumb and his pointer fingers. The fine print on the sign outside the entrance says he and the other bodies on display gave permission for their bodies to be used in this way, for "education", but did he realize he'd be known as "The Drawer Man"...that his body would have cross-sections cut out of it and pulled out like drawers? 

    That was one of the questions running through my mind as I walked through the Body Worlds exhibit at the Houston Museum of Natural Science this afternoon.

    Actually, Kendall, Daniel, and I decided it was a perfect day to go to the zoo. The Houston Zoo is wonderful and we haven't been in a long time. Unfortunately, everyone else in Houston decided to go to the zoo today, too. We circled the parking lot for thirty minutes before giving up and deciding to go to the museum, after all.

    It seems everyone else that gave up on the zoo idea decided to go to the museum today, too.  The parking garage was closed right after the mini-van behind us, which is good because they let us in ahead of them! I would have felt awful if they didn't get in!!

    Once inside, this is the line we stood in to get tickets! No evidence that our country is in a recession here, even in the Body Works exhibit, with $25 tickets (although we all got the college discount.)

    However, it went pretty fast, and overall, the exhibit was interesting and educational - especially seeing the aneurysm (because my dad had one in his abdomen years ago), the "hardened" arteries, the healthy lungs vs. the "smoker's lungs", the enlarged hearts, the tumors and breast cancer, and the liver attacked by cirrhosis. The fetus exhibit claimed all examples were pre-1920's and from natural causes, but it was still heartbreaking. I found myself praying for all of these babies, and the people who donated their bodies to help us learn, and hopefully treat ours better, even as I saw some visitors laughing and joking. We're all so callous and desensitized from television programs and fake exhibits, I'm afraid. I guess it was hard to remember these were all living people, who loved and were loved. 

    I couldn't forget it, though...

    Afterwards, we zipped through some of the other exhibits, mostly the shells and gemstones, just for old times sake. We've seen them a million times before. The museum was free after 2pm on Thursdays when the kids were little and we lived in LaPorte. We went a lot. They LOVED it. I knew when all the fun things were free. Every summer we had a "fun" day - we went to the Natural Science museum, the zoo, the Children's Museum, the Art Museum, or swimming, to the beach...something different every week.

    Here are some samples of exhibits that NEVER change - and I'm glad.

 

 

 

 

They still have fun together, and I'm glad about that, too. (Look at all those other people!! I was ready to get back to my corner of the country and wide-open spaces!!)

Two Hours to Spare in Houston

    Daniel, Kendall, and I have to decide what to do, which means we have to agree.

    We're at my parents' house in Pasadena right now - we came in yesterday for our Pasadena Christmas, a quick trip because Daniel and I have to work tomorrow, and Mama had to get another injection this morning to help relieve the pain from two crushed discs, so she and Daddy have already gone and now I'm waiting for the kids to get cleaned up so we can leave.

    Kendall had asked if we could stop at the Houston Galleria during one of our trips, so I thought this would be a good day for that. But then I had to make it more complicated...I heard that the Museum of Natural Science (one of our favorite spots in Houston - we spent LOTS of time there) had a special exhibit - the Birth of Christianity - a Jewish Story, which includes one of the original Dead Sea Scrolls (the book of Isaiah) and an early copy of the book of Luke...the Christmas story. While we were looking at that online, I mentioned to Daniel that they have another exhibit that creeps my mother out - Body World 2 - it's supposed to be educational about the body, but is pretty much a bunch of real bodies and body parts (even the name sounds like a cheap horror movie to me!) Now he wants to see that - and I have to admit, after reading the description, it does sound interesting and educational. But then we saw the ticket price - $21! And that's the college student discount that we could all get with our ID's!

    So...looks like maybe we'll just be stopping by the Galleria, after all.

"In Bruges" and Tending the Garden

    Tommy's back in Dallas. He drove Tom's little Capris. While he was here, we ate and ate and ate some more - Tom smoked a turkey, and I made a double batch of cyclops cookies. They're already gone!

    Santa paid a special return visit and filled our stockings. One of my gifts was the movie "In Bruges" that I had read about on Mystery Man's blog - some readers had commented that it was the best film of the year, and I hate to admit it, but I hadn't even heard of it. I have to agree that it was one of the best movies I've seen in a long time - overall it's a tragedy and there are some graphic scenes, but it's also a little funny, and very touching. The characters are rounded out and original, all of the parts add to the story, no cliche's...anyway, I recommend it.

    Last night the house was filled with laughter. Two of Tommy's best friends since elementary school -  Graham and Jordi - came by and they were downstairs watching something that elicited crying laughter - I could hear the tears in the guffaws and hoots and gasps for air. It's hard to believe they're adults now - where has the time gone? - but Graham graduated from Texas A&M Galveston with a degree in Marine Engineering Technology and a Third Assistant Engineer License in the U.S. Merchant Marine this past May (on the same day and at the same time as Tommy was graduting from the University of North Texas!) and he's been working as an engineer on ships since then. He was heading out this morning for another cruise.

    And Jordi also graduated in May from Stanford with a BA in "Psychology with a Specialization in International Political Economy" and an extra BA in International Relations. (During spring break of their freshman year, Tommy, Graham and a few other friends visited Jordi at Stanford, taking a train to San Francisco, and a side trip to the Emergency Room after Tommy cut his shin open "jumping a fountain." I didn't even know about it until he was back home. Kids!)

    I'm so glad they've kept their friendships alive, despite being at different colleges and moving in different directions. I have lots of friendships from my school days - some that I've held on to this whole time. Others have been rediscovered, especially since our last high school reunion. But a few have slipped out of reach, and I'm not sure why. It seems that sometimes even those you've held on to for decades aren't safe. I've read that friendships have to be tended like a garden, and I know during those years when my kids were young, I wasn't always a very good gardener. Now I feel like Mary in The Secret Garden, trying to dig around and find the plants that are still alive and nurture them back to health. It's sad when you find those that are too far gone to revive.

    I hope Tommy, Graham, Jordi, and the others he was close to don't allow that to happen to them.

Tommy with Jordi and Graham, high school graduation...

 

Celebrating Christmas

Christmas Day around here was lazy - centered around family and food. LOTS of food!

We always have a traditional, heart-attack-waiting-to-happen breakfast on Christmas morning - bacon, fried eggs, and buttered toast. I ate so much that I still wasn't very hungry when Christmas dinner rolled around:  non-traditional smoked brisket, chicken, and sausage.

Of course, that might have been due to the chocolate chip cookies I baked (and ate) before dinner. Those were mainly for TG, because after dinner I made cyclops cookies - the ones the rest of us are addicted to but she can't eat because of the peanut butter. 

Our kitchen island was already laden with gift cookies from friends, and some gingerbread people I couldn't pass up at the store earlier this week (that's another odd thing I blame on menopause...until this year I wouldn't have looked twice at store-bought gingerbread - this year I couldn't resist them!)

 

 

 

We spent a lot of time on the phone talking to family - understandable considering Tommy couldn't be here and Tom has eight brothers, scattered around the country. I was on the phone two or three times with my family alone!

Here's a picture of my three kids "together" on Christmas day. 

 

Tom and I took a walk to work off some of the food. Santa brought me the zoom lens I wanted, so we played around with it. I finally captured Max's goofiness and Tom took some of me (hopefully not looking QUITE as goofy as Max. It looks more like summer than Christmas day, doesn't it?)

 

 

In the afternoon, Daniel and I watched a very different Santa Claus movie from around 1959. Brenda had remembered taking me to the Capitan just before Christmas for several years to watch it when we were younger. This summer she googled "Santa, devil, and Merlin" and Poof! there it was.  

It didn't ring a bell when she first told me about it, but while I watched it, suddenly some parts were VERY familiar - the memories had been hidden in some recess of my mind, buried under all kinds of other odds and ends. 

It was fun digging them out and brushing them off after so many years. And I realize even more how lucky I am to have a sister like Brenda...she must have really loved me to sit through that movie every year! (She was old enough to realize how corny it was!)

Later, Tom and I watched "A Christmas Story". I don't think that one needs any explaining, but just in case..."You'll shoot your eye out!"

 

 

I ran today while watching "Mama Mia". I couldn't get anyone in my family to watch it with me! We watched "The Dark Knight" again recently, and I've decided I prefer "MamaMia" - it just makes me smile so much!

Tom is in Dallas right now, fetching Tommy and his car. They've got it on the trailer and are preparing to pull out. I'll be praying a lot in the next few hours. I think I'll go finish watching "Mama Mia" - maybe it'll keep my mind off of them.

Tomorrow (well, maybe Sunday), tune in for "Christmas Celebration Part 2: Tommy's Home"...

 

 

Santa Claus Goes EVERYWHERE!

    I admit it...overall this was one of the worst years of procrastination for me (although is it truly procrastination when you're just so busy with other things that you don't have time for some things until it's almost too late?) But for the first time, maybe EVER, I had presents wrapped and under the tree before midnight on Christmas Eve. I had the day off today - Daniel and I went shopping, then after Mass I locked myself in my bedroom and wrapped and wrapped and wrapped. Well, maybe not that much - it's a pretty lean year.

    I still haven't sent my Christmas cards, but the Christmas season technically goes until January 6, the Epiphany, so I don't really consider them late until after that.

    Tonight I'm remembering those Christmas Eves and Christmas Days when I had to work my twelve hour shifts - it was tough leaving Tom and the kids, especially on Days because I left the house at about 5:30 am. I don't even remember how we handled it at home with the boys. Did we wait until I was off? Did they just open presents without me? I really don't remember, which is probably a good thing.

    Christmas at the plant could still be special though - it was quiet, we had lots of food, and sometimes Santa even dropped by...here are a few pictures from Christmas Eve 1981(Gene, Larry Mc., Paula, Jim/Santa, me, Larry S., "Cowboy"; Jesse and Santa/Jim; me and Santa/Jim) and then some pictures of my plant that I took this year when I was home for Thanksgiving. I climbed almost all of the tall columns at least once - I covered those areas, as well as the boiler, the cooling tower, the lab, the tank farm, and the dock. You could say this is my old neighborhood - it's where I grew up, Part 2.

    Have a Merry Christmas, everyone!

 

 

 

 

Shades of Gray

    The dogs and I walked through a valley shrouded in mist this morning - it swirled up under my umbrella, making me feel a little silly carrying it (in my defense, I thought it was raining when I glanced outside before heading out because the mist condensate was dripping from the porch overhang.) Four white-tail deer silently crossed the road in front of us. The dogs didn't even notice them.

    If I had to choose one or the other, I'd pick soaring warm mornings of sunshine and blue sky, but I enjoy mornings like this, too...every once in a while, anyway...and not just so I can appreciate the sunny ones. Misty mornings have their own subtle beauty...good for quiet reflection, a remedy to these countdown days before Christmas that could easily become frenetic.

    My thoughts were on a shooting on a Dallas freeway during rush hour yesterday afternoon. It was the first thing I heard about on the news this morning, and for a split second I worried about Tommy - then I remembered he'd had to work late, and I was so grateful. But then my thoughts were on the ones who were killed, and their families, and how sad the holidays would be for them, and then I thought of the workers who have been laid off from their jobs, and then on a friend whose father just died.     

    While reading and re-reading my great-great grandfather's memoir, I've been amazed at how hard his life was at times and the heartbreaks he endured. Life can still be hard and full of heartbreak, though - the past doesn't have a monopoly in that area. It helps to know that others have gone through this life, through war and illness and empty pockets, and survived.

     My friend Ann wrote on her blog the other day about how she loves looking at her family's old sepia photos, and included a song by Jamey Johnson - In Color. I'd never heard it before, but I love the lyrics, about the stories behind the old black and white photos families have stashed away in boxes and albums. I gather up as many of these old family photos as I can, gaze into the faces, some stern, some smiling, and even beyond them at their world - the houses, pets, clothes - trying to get clues about their personalities, their lives.

    One of my favorites is this one of my grandparents - my dad's mom and dad - Annie B. and Durward - I believe taken when they were still dating or newly married. I love the fact that they joked around like this, switching clothes. I love seeing this side of them, imagining them before and after the picture was taken.

    The play I'm writing is about Annie B.'s grandfather, and includes many of her memories about him. I realize I missed writing about her on her birthday in September. I guess she would have been 102. We thought she'd make it to her 100th - she was going strong for a long time, probably on pure determination, but her body just kind of wore out - I guess it's been about six years since her death. She didn't let hard times, heartbreak or her age stop her from what she wanted to do - I have LOTS of stories about her I'll have to tell later.

    Before she died, she gave me this admittedly corny poem, "Don't Quit", (framed, and appropriately printed over a picture of a rainbow in the hills) that I think explains a lot about her resilience, and probably a clue to all survivors - those that find something to smile or even laugh about even when everything seems to be going wrong - a shared attitude that I have trouble hanging onto, but I keep trying. I'm sure she wouldn't mind me sharing it.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It might be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worst, that you must not quit.

In keeping with the black and white photo theme, here's a good Christmas past photo - Donnie, me, Brenda (and Santa, of course)...

Where's the Champagne?

    I feel like celebrating tonight! Daniel checked his grades and he had three A's and two B's!!! He now has a 3.6 average - well, for this semester, anyway. This time last year he was on academic probation, so this is a HUGE leap. I am so proud of him, and happy for him, too, because I know he's been working really hard and he sees that it paid off, that he can do it, that he's capable of doing it.

    And listen to this...at the top of the grade report, it says UNIVERSITY HONORS. DANIEL MADE THE UT HONOR ROLL!! YA-HOO!!

    (I got an A in my class, too, by the way. I found out yesterday. That was a relief, but I'm still happier about Daniel's A's.)

    News from Tommy in Dallas...he rented a Chevrelet Cobalt, I'm sure the absolutely cheapest rental he could find. He had to work late tonight, then go to the grocery store, so he didn't even get home until around 8pm. He was going to do a little more research on which car he should buy. I hope none of this gets in the way of him coming home this weekend...it's already bad enough that I won't see him Christmas Day! (He has that day off, but has to work Friday.)

    I've made a little more progress on my Christmas preparations. Most of my is shopping done - I went with Kendall tonight and I'll finish up tomorrow. I'll write my Christmas newsletter tonight...or at least get started...so tomorrow night I can finish it up, stuff the envelopes and mail them Christmas Eve day. I've mailed them after Christmas before, so I'm actually a little ahead of schedule, compared to other years!   Then somewhere in there I'll bake cookies, wrap gifts...but mostly, I'll keep in mind why we are doing all of this...remembering the baby that was born in the manger so many years ago, for all of us...

Here's another glimpse of a Christmas that seems like yesterday...Tommy, Kendall, Daniel, 1991

Chasing Sunday - from Hope House to the Grocery Store

    I knew it would be a busy day, but still...WHEW!

    First, an update on Tommy's vehicle saga: Tom changed his strategy...he left for Dallas at 5am this morning and just drove his Capris, not the truck and trailer. He already suspected the problem was the timing belt, and he was right, but Tommy told me (when he called at 7:30pm to let me know Tom was headed back this way) that it was one of those typical experiences of nothing going right, nothing being easy. So Tommy's car is still up on jacks in his garage, and he'll have to rent a car to get to work tomorrow. Ah, adult life. Apparently Tom is planning on driving back up there Wednesday to attack it again. The good thing about it is Tommy won't be alone on Christmas Day!

    (Tom just got home...exhausted, but safely here. He said everything that could go wrong while working on the car, did.)

    So back to my day. First of all, it's COLD! Yesterday I wore shorts when Tom and I took the dogs for a walk and I was actually sweating a little. Today, it's COLD! At least for Texas. The high today and tomorrow is in the 30's. I would never last living farther north. (A friend who lived briefly in Minnesota said it's all in the clothes, but I don't know...)   

     Anyway, Kendall and I went to early Mass because the youth group left for Hope House at 11 this morning. There were ten of us - eight high school/college age kids, Mike the high school CCD teacher (and my new boss), and me. Mike has been taking a group of kids three or four times a year for about ten years to visit the residents of Hope House, a home for mentally and/or physically handicapped children and adults. I only started going about three or four years ago, but I got hooked. It's an intense, sometimes overwhelming experience, but one of those that makes you feel like you have made a difference in someone's life, even in a teensy-tiny way. Today I got two kisses, several hugs and hand-holds, and tons of smiles. We bring pizza, sodas, (today holiday cookies), and then sing songs and play silly games like London Bridge. One of the best things about it for me is watching these teenagers reach out to the residents, seeing how sensitive and caring they can be, even when it's not obvious from some of the residents' responses whether they enjoy us there or not - very few of them can verbalize, and one of them even plugs her ears when we sing. Hmmm, can't say I blame her!

    I'll post more about it and include some photos later.

    Next, I HAD to go to the grocery store - I'd put it off for three days, and couldn't procrastinate any longer. That took three hours - the rest of my afternoon. Once home again, there was laundry, dinner, dogs, dishes, bills, etc.... I really wanted to get my Christmas cards finished up to mail tomorrow, but I needed the computer and Kendall and Daniel grabbed it first. That's okay - the days are numbered when I'll have to share it with them, so I'm not going to complain about it.

    I'll close tonight's post with this quote I stumbled upon - it's one I need to read every day...

"Kiss your life. Accept it, just as it is. Today. Now. So that those moments of happiness you're waiting for don't pass you by." - Unknown  

Oh, I almost forgot the Christmas photo! Here's one I love - Tom and seven of his eight brothers (Johnny wasn't around yet)...Tom's the first one on the left, then it's Steve, Robbie, Joe, Mike, Russ, Randy, and Kenny. Can you imagine...eight, well, actually, nine boys...? I can barely handle three kids, much less nine!

Biting Nails, Praying, and Christmas photos

    Our oldest called this morning, just to let us know his car had died while he was driving along a Dallas freeway and he was trying to figure out exactly what he should do next. Through a "comedy" of errors, he locked his keys inside of it before he had a chance to push it to the side of the road.

    Now, I'll be the first to admit it - I'm a worrier, a worst-case-scenario kind of person. With a vivid imagination. So, immediately, an image of my son and his car getting crushed to smithereens by an oncoming vehicle as he's trying to push it off the road popped into my head. It made me grateful he locked the keys in the car! But I could still "see" a car speeding up the highway, hitting Tommy's dead car, and sending it flying into him where he stands on the side of the road, trying to figure out what to do.

    It's such a helpless feeling...being miles and miles and hours and hours away from your son, imagining him in imminent danger, yet there's nothing you can do except bite your nails and pray.

    So I prayed, asking God to send every available angel he had to Tommy (and I know he's got a LOT), to stand around him and his car, protecting them from the aforementioned smashing. Right away, the image in my head of Tommy and his car included a barricade of angels, and I felt much better.

    The angels did their job - he's safe at home now. His car was towed to the driveway without costing him a fortune. We've been telling Tommy he should bite the bullet and buy a new car, now that he has graduated and has a job, but Mr. Frugal wanted to squeeze a few more miles out of this one.

    Suffice it to say, he'll be spending the rest of today car shopping. 

    Tom (the wonderful dad and mechanic) has rearranged his weekend plans to include a trip to Dallas tonight, probably hauling a trailer with his truck to bring Tommy's dead Neon home (to fix it up for Daniel or Kendall, alas), and perhaps carting his little Capris up there in case Tommy needs it before he can get a replacement.   Before he goes, he has to repair some little things on his truck and try to get it inspected. Fortunately, he came across some brand new tires for it, dirt cheap, on Craig's List and just put them on this week. However, he won't have time to fix the "loose" steering wheel (that doesn't sound good, does it?) so I'll be praying for those angels to travel with him tonight, to replace the image I have of him broken down and stranded (or worse) on I-35 between here and Dallas.

    In other family news...

    ...Daniel's going with me tonight to see the latest silly movie, "Role Models." He's needs a break. He's trying to deal with the conflicting emotions of being grateful that he has a job, and growing to resent it, wishing he had some time off. Surprisingly, given the current economic situation, his employer is short-handed.

    ...Kendall hasn't received an official acceptance letter from UT, but she did get an "assurance" of acceptance...so now she can concentrate on scholarship applications and finding a job (yes, she picked up an application from Daniel's employer but hasn't turned it in yet...if Tom takes his Capris to Tommy, then we won't have an extra vehicle for her to drive...there's always a glitch ...)

Christmas is coming, so it's time for photos from Christmases past. Here's one of my favorites - me and Kendall, her first Christmas 1991...look at those big, blue eyes...

If They Can Do It...

    Most people, when they hear I'm still working on my bachelor's degree, are encouraging and supportive. They get it, even when they find out it's not in nursing, which seems to be the #1 middle-age-back-to-college choice because of the need for nurses, and therefore, great salaries and great return for the investment.

    But...every once in a while...I get raised eyebrows, and a "Why bother at your age?"

    I shield myself from such naysayers by thinking of those who have gone before me, paving the way for those of us who flounder when expected to produce practical reasons for persistently pursuing a college degree when retirement age is around the corner. 

    Years ago I read an article in "Parade" about an elderly man in Chicago who had taken at least one college class every semester for, like, fifty years. He already had a collection of degrees, but still he continued, just because he loved to learn. When I first read it, I thought I'd have a degree by now, but made up my mind that I'd follow his lead and keep learning even afterward.

     There are others who inspire me to keep plodding away, like Nola Ochs, the 95-year-old woman that graduated in May, 2007, alongside her 22-year-old granddaughter, and Winifred Jennings, 85, that just graduated from college with a bachelor's degree in behavioral sciences. (She's thinking about working on her master's degree, after taking a year off.)

     I hope I can get my degree long before my 85th birthday, but even if it takes until I'm 95 (if I'm still alive, of course, God willing!), I'm gonna stick with it. I'm not out to set any records. But then, either were these role models of mine. They just loved to learn and wanted to finish what they started years before, just like me.

    Winifred and Nola (and elderly man that just loves to learn), thanks for the inspiration to ignore the naysayers and keep chasing my dream.

Anyone Have Some Cheese to Go With My Whine?

    I totally apologize for my last post. Sometimes I drive myself crazy!

    The truth is, I talked to Tommy on the phone about his new job for almost an hour two nights ago. I've talked to my mom at least twice this week, my sister a couple of times, and three or four friends.

    ...I'm working more hours, but not as many as most people, so I can fit in a college class. I'm able to continue working at the computer while I eat lunch, and my commute is wonderful, so that saves me even more time. And I'm learning interesting stuff, like how to shoot videos and post them on the web, all while getting paid. I've figured out how to put together professional photography lamps and learning how to use them, all on the job.

    ...I'm all caught up on reading my 'real conversation' emails (as opposed to the forwards which are at the bottom of my list), although I admit I haven't answered all of them.

    ...Last night I spent several hours shopping with Kendall, drinking coffee, talking, and night before last Daniel and I started discussing some current social issue (I can't even remember what it was) that led to a discussion about my great-great grandfather (the one I'm writing about), so we googled some historical subjects, including him, which led to the discovery of a post on a blog about him and his memoir! (I emailed the author but he/she hasn't responded yet. I'm VERY curious who this could be...a cousin? a random stranger? I'm suspecting someone that works in the UT library. If they ever respond, I'll let you know.)

    ...I have time to walk the dogs (almost) every morning, and on foggy mornings like this one, when the fog closes in, creating my own little timeless world, that's a double blessing.

    ...I blog here almost every day (sometimes twice in one day!), even though I might let the laundry or mail pile up a little.

    The truth is, I have time, and I'm ashamed about complaining about ANYTHING! I have enough time that I have choices to make on how to use it, rather than have those decision made for me, by others or circumstances or life in general.  All I can do is try to use it wisely - and be grateful for the chance to choose.

Time in a Bottle

    "If I could save time in a bottle..."

    I've always loved this song by Jim Croce - beautiful, simple lyrics - such a vivid image of holding on to time. There have been many times in my life when I've wanted to grab hold of whatever moment I was in, or a certain point in my life, and somehow bottle it, or freeze it, or at least make it slow down.

    I'd love to slow time down right now, or, (wouldn't this be great?) be able to go to a closet where I've stashed a case of Time, just for emergencies and holidays, and pull out an extra bottle or two? I could really use them right now.

    My class is over - shouldn't that mean I have an extra hour or two to spare each day, even if I just use them for sleeping? Instead, I feel I have less than before. I know I'm sleeping less, staying up later and getting up earlier, just to "get things done." That just doesn't make sense to me. Especially since I don't seem to be making any progress.

    "But there never seems to be enough time to do the things you want to do once you find them..."

    In a perfect world, I'd have time to exercise for an hour every day, not thirty minutes when most of the world is still asleep...I'd have time to relax with my husband and kids, playing card games or watching  movies or going for walks every day...I've have time to talk to my parents, my friends, my son - those I can't see every day even if it's just passing them going out the door - for hours on the phone, every day...I'd have time to catch up on my emails, photo albums, scrapbooks, genealogy research (those things on my to-do lists that are always last priority)...I'd have time to READ...I'd have time to write - to finish half-thoughts and half-essays and second drafts of first drafts...I'd have time to mail Christmas cards right after Thanksgiving instead of right after Christmas...

    But it's not a perfect world - but it's a good one, so I'm going to quit whining and be grateful I'm able to do so much. Now, I better get busy -  I've got too much to do before the sun comes up!

Feeling the Weight of Time...in Ornaments

Having another child doesn't affect your life in a linear way, as all parents of more than one child will tell you. That's still true, even when the child is twenty.

Daniel is home for Christmas break, and that means more laundry, more groceries, more cooking, more bickering, more vehicles breaking down so more shuttling...but it also means more laughing, more conversation, more hands to help, and more company.

Tom has been busy helping friends, and TG has been away more than usual, too. I think that's why I didn't feel motivated to decorate the tree until Daniel came home - the idea weighed me down, made me feel like I was walking through water, slow and heavy.

With each ornament I pulled from a box and lifted to the tree, memories tugged at my heart... joy tinted with unexpected melancholy.

But with Daniel here, the melancholy faded. What had felt like a chore became pure joy.

I'm not sure why having Daniel home helped - he didn't actually help me decorate the tree. Except for a few brief years when the kids fought over which ornament they got to hang (and the tree, consequently, was a little bottom-heavy in glitter and color) I've always decorated it by myself, usually late at night when they were all asleep.

But I think just knowing they were there, feeling their presence, anticipating their excitement at the sight of the tree invigorated me.

Perhaps just knowing Daniel is home made it feel more like those days gone by and motivated me to dress my naked tree.

Now it sparkles in memories that are happy, funny, and bittersweet...memories of times that went by too fast...memories easier to face when I know someone else cares along with me.

My Life in Ornaments

         Chapter 1 - Childhood: faded blue construction paper star I made and held on to since elementary school; bejeweled and glittered blue styrofoam ball (Girl Scouts); Gingerbread and Winnie-the-Pooh collection Brenda and I bought at Sears, 6th grade, for the first GREEN articial tree we'd ever had (I grew up with an aluminum tree - think vintage 60's - because real trees gave/give me asthma; the year we got a real tree, I spent Christmas Day night in the emergency room; the next year Brenda bought the family one of the first green articial trees - have I mentioned I'm blessed with a wonderful big sister?)    

 

    Chapter 2 - On My Own: colorful, glass ornaments, salt-dough Santa and rocking horse

    Chapter 3 - Tom: Eskimo and dog in 1981 igloo from our first Christmas; Ziggy from our second Christmas; assortment of others marking special anniversaries and highlights; some hand-me-downs from his childhood tree

    Chapter 4 - My Children: Baby's First Christmas 1985...1988...1991...clothespin reindeer and Baby Jesus... glitter, macaroni, beads, construction paper, cinnamon and salt dough... Snow Men, Angels, stars, candy canes, and teddy bears...mementos from pre-school through 8th grade art, cub scouts, girl scouts, choir, and band...vacation in Yellowstone and John's wedding in Mexico...

    Chapter 5 - Friends and Family: cats, wreaths, and angels, gifts over the years; the multi-colored snowflakes and kissing Santas that Grandmother crocheted in the nursing home, and the delicate white one Sharon, my sister-in-law, crocheted while battling cancer, knowing it was probably her last Christmas with her husband and baby girls; the crystal bells and the clip-on ceramic bluejay that Bobbie, my old boyfriend's mom, still my friend, bought Tom and me as a wedding present

 

'Tis the Season for Parties

   We went to two parties in one week, which is a lot for us! Last Sunday was our church party - lots of barbecue and dancing - and this past Friday was...well, I have to go back a few years to explain...

    When we decided to move to Austin, Tom started combing the want-ads. He lucked into a position with a small engineering firm formed by three ex-IBM guys. It was a great job and Tom really clicked with (most of) the people. But eventually the three guys had different ideas about the company - feeling the ground shifting, many people jumped ship (including Tom.)

    One of the partners, Al, formed his own company, but every year he invites all of the 'old' employees to the company Christmas party - Tom calls it his class reunion - that's how close he feels to a lot of the people. He usually goes straight from work - without me. But this year I got to go! And I'm so glad I did - not just because I enjoy seeing all of those people, too, but because one of the chemical engineers he used to work with, Dennis Livingston, is in a band, the Relentless Jones, and they played in a tent set up in the parking lot. They are really, really good! (The next night they had a gig at Carlos 'N Charlies.) Definitely not your run-of-the-mill office Christmas party. But then, Al is a 'Deadhead', so I didn't expect anything less!

(Dennis is the one on the left below - he doesn't look like your average chemical engineer, does he?)

Blogs, Blogs, Everywhere Blogs

    It boggles (bloggles?) my mind how many blogs are out there...about everything imaginable...and it seems some of them have been out there for YEARS! I had no idea! I'm always WAY behind the times. I've just spent an hour trying to catch up on my favorites, and getting distracted by some of THEIR favorites, and so on. Meanwhile, my tree sits beside me only half-decorated, my desk still hosts a pyramid of unopened mail...well, you get the idea.

    But I wanted to draw attention to a site that helps you decide which blogs might be helpful or just plain entertaining when you have a few minutes to surf...blogs.com. It not only organizes blogs by subject, but they also feature lots of Top 10 Lists - including mine! So when you have time, or even when you don't, check it out here.  My Top 10 List is the one titled Ten Great Writing, Writers, and Artists Blogs.

Texas Snow Part 2 - Trumped!

    Our little dusting of snow was exciting, but wouldn't you know, the Houston area had a REAL snowfall out of the same system that just teased us the other night. As my sister put it, "We got more snow than you...nah nah nah!!!"

    My friend Cliff shared pictures that his wife took - he was trying to find a safe route home from work at my old plant. My parents stayed up late watching it fall and another friend said he and his son built a 6 ft. tall snowman!

    In the 35 or so years I lived in the Houston area, I know of only three snowfalls of more than two inches: one when I was a baby, and two when I was in 8th grade. That's it! (that I can remember right now, anyway...) This is Patti in my front yard - we walked the neighborhood for hours that day...

     Here in Austin we've had several light dustings and a handful of ice storms, but not enough snow for more than a mini-snowman. So, yes, I am a little jealous right now, although I'm glad we didn't have the icy roads to deal with. I have more experience than I want with those, thanks anyway.

    This was our first winter here - our neighbors let us sled down their sloping driveway - there was enough ice that even Tom and I took turns! (We have a real Wisconsin sled that belonged to his uncle - it was great to be able to actually use it!)

    These are from our last ice storm, almost two years ago...

 

 

Above - you can see the branches of the juniper trees are weighed down by the ice, and we're walking on "grass-cicles"...Below - the ice slowly sliding off of the roof as the temperature rose...

New Roads and Special Deliveries

    I took the day off so I could break my procrastination cycle - I drove to the downtown campus and delivered my class portfolio a DAY EARLY! It's a small step in the right direction. I hope I can keep it going...eventually. But for the next few days I'm going to be playing catch-up on everything around here (again) - decorating the tree and the house, sending out cards, going through the overflowing pile of unread mail on my desk, catching up on e-mail...

    On my way into town, I suddenly had this horrible feeling that I was lost - I was on a rode I had driven millions of times, but I found myself in a totally unfamiliar area. It took me a few minutes to realize a new portion of the road had opened. It bypasses a section nicknamed "the S curves", a section prone to serious accidents because people try to take the curves too fast.  After several years and many accidents, the highway department realized there were too many impatient people who refuse to slow down on the curves and so have a tendency to cross into other people's lanes (oncoming traffic, of course) so they built a straight(er) bypass.

    I've had mixed feelings about taking away the curves - I grew up in an area where almost all of the roads are straight lines (and there were STILL deadly accidents) and I actually liked the curves - they seemed like part of the personality of the hills. I had mixed feelings even after Tom was hit head-on and almost killed by a teenager who crossed into his lane on the first curve back in 1998. He had extensive injuries and spent a week in the hospital - he still aches all over, especially during cold weather. I stayed the whole week with him (my third published essay - I'll add it on here...someday.)

    After Tom's accident,  our mayor instigated a change in that particular curve, but it was a good compromise - it was still a curve, but widened and stretched out so that the kick at the end was gone. I don't have an opinion about this new section yet - I was too disoriented to think about it beyond "where the heck am I?" But I have to admit I said extra prayers every time my kids had to drive those 'S' curves - especially if it was raining - so I guess if it really makes a difference in the number of accidents, keeps even one family from experiencing what we went through with Tom's accident, or gives a parent peace of mind, then I'll be happy about the change.

Texas Snow

    Last night Kendall ran up the stairs and out the front door.

    "Where is she going?" Tom asked me. I stepped outside to find out.

    "It's SNOWING!!" She was jumping up and down, and texting a mile a minute.

    Quite frankly, I couldn't see the snowflakes, but I trusted her - my eyesight just isn't what it used to be.

    So we hit 80 degrees in the afternoon, and by 10 pm we have snowflakes. That's winter in Texas.

    This is what we woke up to...Kendall was disappointed we didn't have a snow day (it actually happens once every couple of years!)...but it was a nice change...I knew it would be gone in a couple of hours, so I snapped these as I headed out for my walk with the critters...

 

 

Whew! Twenty Down...Just a Hundred to Go

    It's done. As of 9pm tonight, I completed twenty pages of my first screenplay ever. Next time you go see a movie, never EVER think writing it would be easy. I know, after this semester, I'll never see a movie with the same eyes as I did before.

    Writing this screenplay is something I've dreamed of since I first read my great-great grandfather's memoir years ago. And yet here I was, procrastinating once again. Is there no hope for me?

    I'm still not finished with the class, however. I have to deliver my portfolio, consisting of a hard copy of these precious twenty pages, a complete outline of my screenplay, and a 300 word reflective essay on what I learned this semester ("I learned not to put it off to the last week..." - but would that be completely honest? I'm starting to wonder if I'll EVER learn not to procrastinate!) to my teacher's mailbox downtown Friday morning. I would do it tomorrow, but I'm just not up to writing that essay tonight! (ah, still procrastinating...see?)

    Next semester I'm SERIOUSLY considering taking Advanced Screenwriting. That might seem like a 'duh' statement, but the glitch is it's not an online course. I'd actually have to drive into Austin to one of the campuses, sit in a classroom for several hours, etc...I've gotten so spoiled with these online courses. This semester the online course is Poetry, which I'd love to take. Another class I'm thinking of is photography, but it's another actual "roll call" class, so it's lower on the list than the other two. I'm afraid that if I don't take the next screenwriting class, I'll NEVER have more than twenty completed pages. It will sit in my computer, symbolically gathering dust, like all of my other long writing projects (and even some short ones!)

    I really need to finish SOMETHING! And I would love for this to be that something.

Not Quite All Night

    I threw in the towel at 3am. For the first time in thirty years, I'm probably not going to get an A in a college class, but I reached the point last night when I just didn't care! My eyes were tired and my back hurt. A few hours of sleep seemed much more important.

    I'm just past the halfway mark, though, and have a good idea where I'm going. After Kendall's high school band concert tonight, I'll jump back in and I THINK I'll be able to finish it with another big push...hopefully before 3am...

    And totally changing subjects...this afternoon when I was waiting for Kendall to get out of school, I realized I never took yesterday's mail out of my work bag. I pulled out this month's Reader's Digest - the headline is "13 things no one ever tells you about weight loss." I've been asked so many times what I did to lose weight, and it's hard to answer because it went away so gradually - I kept making small changes, all with the goal of being healthy in mind. Well, this article answers it for me, so if you were asking...go read it.

    Off to a winter band concert...wish me writing luck tonight!!

My Hometown Made the Today Show!

    I heard it loud and clear..."DEER PARK, TEXAS." It was a story about schools, and it was one of three cities mentioned. High honors!

    Not really - unfortunately, the story was about high levels of toxic chemicals being recorded near schools. USA Today has compiled a special report called "The Smokestack Effect - Toxic Air and America's Schools" with all the details - click all the way through - they even have a list of the "most polluted" by state. My old high school only came in at #146 in the nation, but one of the elementaries (not mine) came in at #6! Here's a quote about it...

    "At San Jacinto Elementary School in Deer Park, Texas, data indicated carcinogens at levels even higher than the readings that prompted the shutdown of Hitchens. A recent University of Texas study showed an "association" between an increased risk of childhood cancer and proximity to the Houston Ship Channel, about 2 miles from the school."

    Impressive, huh? You can type in the name of your school and it will tell you where you rank. I hope yours isn't as high as mine.

    There's one highlighted headline "Toxics can affect adults, kids differently." It makes you want to shout DUH, doesn't it? Yet that was the point I tried and tried to get across to my supervisors at my plant when I was pregnant  - how much more a fetus would be affected by exposure to chemicals than an adult. I wasn't trying to get out of work, just get them to establish more safeguards - specifically, more ventilation hoods in the lab where I worked. (They finally did.)

    The second essay I wrote and had published was about this same subject - about my grandmother's death from leukemia, and all of my high school classmates who developed cancer just a few years after graduation. It's why Tom and I packed our bags, loaded up the kids, dogs and cat, and headed for the hills...of Austin. (I'll add it to my blog once I get this screenplay assignment out of the way...)

    I haven't read the article all the way through yet, but I think it touches on something no one wants to believe - that just because you don't live next to one of the industrial plants, you shouldn't feel free to breathe that deeply: the toxic air can travel far and wide - you might not smell it, but it's there all the same.

    Now, back to work...I've started on my 3rd page! Ya-hoo!! I worked after the Christmas party last night (which was fun - lots of two-steppin', waltzin', and even a Cotton-Eyed Joe.) But I'll be up all night tonight - at least until I get through #20 and email it to my teacher. I have a meeting at work tomorrow at 10am - I've decided I'll have to bring my tape recorder. I have serious doubts about being alert enough to absorb any information...Think of me when you're snoozing away tonight!

     

Just Taking a Little Break...

    Well, I made progress...not as much as I would have liked, but I have a teensy idea of an outline - the scene I should start with and how it will all work out. The problem is there is SO MUCH MATERIAL!! Now I'm thinking it would have been best to turn this into a novel first, but that doesn't really matter right now. What matters is pulling it all into a screenplay in the next couple of days - or at least a part of it - dividing it into three acts, pinpointing the turning points, mid-point, barriers, reversals, climax, resolution, etc. It's easier for me to think of this process of writing it in those terms - first act: outlining; second act: writing it; third act: turning it in (in just a few days!) Some of the barriers: work, family, sleep, laundry, food.

    Okay, also keeping up with this blog, watching "The Office" and "Desperate Housewives", shopping...And then tonight is the church adult Christmas party - since we're Catholic, that means eating, drinking, and dancing, so I'll be too worn out to write when I get home, I'm sure.

    But at least I'm through the first act - the outline. I think the turning point of this second act will be producing the FIRST page! That will DEFINITELY take place today (right after I write this, and eat lunch. I will ignore the overflowing hampers, the bare Christmas tree, and boxes of Christmas decorations stacked around me.)

    Yesterday I took a walk with Tom and the dogs to clear my brain. It was a gorgeous day. Frankie opted to stay home and guard the house, but he walked with us as far as the 'parking lot.' 

    We walked up a nearby hill to check on progress of our neighborhood mystery house. It's built high on the hill but doesn't appear to be built in a way to admire the view - a telephone pole was put right in the way. Rumor has it it's going to be completely underground and have a shooting gallery inside somewhere, but we can't figure out where it would go. There's been no work done on it in awhile - I guess the recession shut it down.

 

    When we got home, Tom left the door open for me, but Frankie got in first and scurried around, checking everything out. He started down the stairs, but I coaxed him back up and out the door. No poop, thank goodness! Hmmm...are there such things as house guineas?

Pushing Up My Sleeves...

    It's time to get serious. (Well, passed time, but it's too late to dwell on past mistakes.) This weekend I'm writing at least twenty pages of screenplay, come hell or high water. I have to - they're due this week and it's obvious I don't have enough self-discipline time during the week to work on it.

    I've already warned Kendall and Tom that I'm not doing anything else, except eating, going to church, and POSSIBLY showering. In just a few minutes, I'm heading into the guest room/junk room/future library, and clearing out a space for Tom to set up a makeshift desk (a door supported by sawhorses) so I can spread all of my stuff out - notecards, the memoir, genealogy notes, Civil War books, etc. - and just leave them there till I finish. I've also claimed first dibs on the computer, which is just outside the "library" door. (Maybe Santa will bring me a laptop so I can REALLY  lock myself away in there to write.)

    That being said, I won't actually get crackin' on it until tomorrow morning. Tonight I'm going up to the high school to watch the drama department's Fall Production. I subbed for those classes and it's always fun to see how the kids pull it together by performance time. 

   When I get home, I'll probably watch a movie with Tom - but of course, if you think about it, that's really just a warm-up exercise for my actual writing tomorrow - a review of what I've learned this semester. Not another distraction or procrastination or anything.

    Wish me luck (and self-discipline and inspiration.) OBVIOUSLY I'm going to need it.

El Capitan of Pasadena

    Imagine rich, red velvet draperies and settees...gold and gilt...paintings and statues. That was the Capitan Theater - the place to be on Saturday mornings. It's where I fell in love with Elvis singing Viva Las Vegas and where the original Children of the Corn chased me into the lobby. I was too young to make out with a boyfriend in the cryroom in the back corner of the balcony, but old enough to know it was going on.

    The Capitan couldn't compete with the new theaters popping up in town - it shut its doors before I hit junior high, but then opened briefly again in the 70's with this neon green paint. I watched "Frogs, Frogs, Frogs" from the balcony, but couldn't help noticing the threadbare seats and sticky floors. It closed again soon afterwards.

    Rumors of re-invention have flown over the years - it was going to open as a disco...a dinner theater...but I don't think any of them panned out. Now it sits alone, looking much the same from the outside (definitely not the inside, though) as it does in my memory, but who knows for how long? So while I was back in Pasadena for Thanksgiving, Daddy and I drove over to take some pictures. I hope someday someone cares enough - and has enough money - to fix it up to its former glamorous glory...but I know it's more likely to be torn down. At least I'll have these photos...and my memories.

    If I ever get rich, I'll give a lot to charity, but I'll just have to spend a little on El Capitan...if it's not too late.

    

 

I couldn't help taking this one of Daddy - I've always been able to count on him to go with me on my crazy whims - it's fun to share them with him. This time, I think it was mostly to make sure I wasn't arrested for taking pictures of my old chemical plant (I wasn't...those photos will come later...)

A Birthday Update

    It tugs on a mother's heart when her "babies" grow up. It comes suddenly...one day you're planning a party, buying gifts, baking a cake and the next, they aren't even close enough for a birthday hug. Today I worried that Tommy would be alone, that after work he'd just have an empty house and a television when he should be celebrating.

    Well...I just talked to him. His girlfriend Kirby came through - she drove down from Lubbock (in the Texas Panhandle - several hours away!) to surprise him. She contacted some of his friends that are still at the University of North Texas and they all met for dinner. He also reported that one of his co-workers baked a cake and they had a little celebration for him today.

    I feel much better...Tommy had a good birthday. That's all I needed today.

My Sunshine Boy

The sky was filled with gray clouds on my walk again this morning, but my thoughts were filled with sunshine - my Sunshine Boy, that is, which is what I call Tommy because he's been lighting up my life since the day he was born...23 years ago today.

I remember the first time I held him in my arms and gazed into his blue eyes that seemed unbelievably old and wise - any doubts I might have had that God existed were swept away.  I don't understand how anyone can experience the birth of a baby and not have every single doubt that God exists erased from their heart and mind.    

 

 

 

Becoming a mother was the most life-changing event I've ever experienced  and watching Tommy (and my other babies) grow has been the most rewarding. Being a mother colors every aspect of my life - it is my main job, my central responsibility. That's a miracle in itself, considering I was seriously lukewarm about babies until my biological alarm clock went off and I HAD TO HAVE A BABY!

Tommy's was the first diaper I ever changed! Somehow he has managed to shoulder the brunt of my sometimes-suffocating motherly love, although I know it was tough on him. ("I know you love me, mom. It overwhelms me sometimes!") Now he resorts to teasing me about it.

His memory, creativity and imagination have always amazed me, from the stories he made up when he was little, the pictures he drew, the pretend games he played. He is such a gifted artist, too, although he doesn't think he's as good as he really is. He's a perfectionist and gets impatient with himself.

I wish he had time for his art now, but his grown-up life keeps him too busy. I wish he had time for reading, too - from the time he could sit still, I read to him, three books a night. That's how we disciplined him - he'd get a book taken away for each infraction. One day I had to take all three and he cried, "Please, Mama, spank me or something, but please read to me."

(Ah, those were magic words to my ears.)

When he was five, he asked me to read Tolkien's The Hobbit to him. I didn't think he'd stay interested beyond the first chapter, but he did. Just a few years later he read the Lord of the Rings trilogy himself.

I am so grateful Tommy shares my sense of humor, laughing at the same silly stuff I do. It was a happy day for me when he was old enough to watch Monty Python's Search for the Holy Grail. He's also one of those people who can remember the funniest lines of a movie and say them back in a perfect imitation - he can make me laugh by quoting one or two words. Now when we get together, he shows me funny videos on the computer.

One of the best things about Tommy is his heart, his compassion. I have zillions of pictures of him, but these are two of my favorites. He was just six. We were at a family reunion. He spotted this elderly woman lying on a cot and asked me who she was. "Aunt Bertha," I told him. She was my grandfather's sister, and I didn't really know her.

Not long after that, I spotted him sitting by her side, chatting away, patting her arm. He didn't know her, but it didn't matter. She was old, too old to get up and talk to anyone, and she was family, so instead of playing outside, Tommy sat beside her to keep her company.

 

 

 

He's always been thoughtful like that...caring and considerate. When Daniel graduated from high school and was preparing to head off to UT, Tommy presented him with a spiral notebook filled with advice, telling Daniel all about the mistakes he had made, what he should have done differently. He periodically calls both Daniel and TG on their cell phones to check on them, a wise confidante and friend they can turn to, who understands what they're going through. 

It's hard to describe the warm feeling I get knowing he cares enough to check on them, to let them know he's available if they need him. There was this time I remember back when he was in high school - he was mad, told me he didn't like me because I was punishing him for something, I can't remember what. I told him that was okay, that I didn't always like him, either, and that I loved him so much that I didn't care if he liked me or not - I was mostly concerned with making sure he grew up to be the kind of person that I could like and be friends with. 

He has.

 

 

I hope he had a happy birthday today. It's been years since I was with him on his birthday - first he was away at college, now he's off in Dallas working. I mailed his card, left him a message and sent him an email.

I wonder if he can feel my hug?

Altered Traditions

    On the first Monday night of the past twenty or thirty Decembers, everyone in Lago Vista has gathered for the lighting of the Christmas tree and the arrival of Santa Claus.   A large pine tree in the median of a main street was dedicated as the official tree by some illustrious city father, and for years afterward the street was blocked off, the Rotarians served hot chocolate, the high school band played, the elementary school choir sang, and children reveled in the dark, running wild and free of watchful parental eyes, playing tag and hiding in the decorative bushes, activities that were forbidden on the other 364 days of the year. 

    I first fell in love with this small town northwest of Austin, Texas because of its location in the rolling oak- and cactus-covered hills, second, because of its climate - low humidity and moderate winters (summers are NOT moderate!), and third, because of its small-town traditions, like the tree lighting. There weren't many of those in my Houston suburb childhood.  A Little League parade or two...the Halloween carnival...the Pasadena Fair and Rodeo...those were fun, but the area was already so populated that it didn't have the same neighborly feeling. At these tree lightings, you pretty much knew everyone else...you felt safe letting your kids disappear from your sight into the crowd or even the darkness, knowing other caring, concerned eyes were watching them.  

    Two, maybe three years ago, the tall pine tree died. The 'event' was moved indoors. Needless to say, it's not the same. I went last night - Kendall was playing with the high school band. There was Christmas music, a countdown, and a large (artificial) tree suddenly bursting with light - inside. Outside, there was still hot chocolate and cookies, still familiar faces that I was glad to see, still kids running around, chasing each other in the dark- but Kendall and I didn't hang around long enough to see Santa arrive. For the young kids and parents, new memories were etched, but we'll just hang on to our worn, blurry, patchwork memories of Christmas Tree Lightings past.

Knowledge

       If there's one thing I've learn in twenty-six years of marriage, it's that if, on the first night in months that you decide to actually cook something other than grilled chicken and salad (in this case, chicken and vegetable soup AND chicken pot pie for Daniel - I really can cook when I feel like it) and so you're busy in the kitchen, chopping veggies, opening drawers, going back and forth from the stove to the oven to the fridge, the sink, the island...and your husband decides at that same moment that it's time to tighten up drawers and cabinet doors and put knobs on the island drawers that have sat knobless for about three years, so he has a drill, screwdrivers, and other tool-like things scattered around and cluttering up the counters and you have to reach over him and be careful not to bump his head or spill something on him...you say absolutely nothing except "thank you, babe."

Patches of Sun on a Gray Day

    A thick gray blanket of clouds covered the sky this morning - everything was drab and dull on my walk. Frankie stayed home and the dogs disappeared so I was alone. Soon, I realized my thoughts matched the gray sky - Wayne's funeral is today and a friend is having surgery and then I started thinking about how old Charly is getting...

    That's when I realized I didn't see any wildflowers. Nothing but dusty green and brown from the road into the woods. I couldn't believe it, so I kept looking, and sure enough, I discovered one little yellow flower - a buttercup-ish flower on a tall skinny stem, just sticking up alone amid the weeds. Then a little further along, another yellow flower - this one a mini-daisy.

     Soon, there was another one...and another one. Then a little group. Then next to our driveway, teeny yellow flowers in several small clumps. Best of all, ahead of me, I noticed the sun shooting some rays out from under the gray blanket, reminding me the sun is still shining.  I just have to remember to notice.   

    Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you... (Maori proverb)