Alone. Lonely.
These words popped up a lot this week, in different voices, from different places.
I know I take Tom for granted sometimes - these voices reminded me how very lucky I am to have such a wonderful partner, companion, lover...someone to talk to, laugh with, hold my hand, wipe my tears, listen to me whine, encourage me, caution me, share my happiness, stress, and grief.
There's a hermit inside of me that demands to be alone for a space during the day - a quiet time to converse with myself with no outside interruptions. I haven't always gotten it, of course, and I can feel the stress building up inside of me if I don't get enough "just me and myself" time. The hermit stomping her feet.
Her stomping grew so loud at nineteen that I dropped out of college, got a job, and moved to my own little apartment. No roommates. I just shut myself in. Cocooned. I loved it! My own space, my own time. Things just the way I liked them. No opinions to consider but my own.
Marriage is such a compromise - you have to deal with other people's stuff, other people's habits, other people's opinions, other people's needs and demands. When you want silence, they want the television. When you want to write, they want to talk. Meeting my hermit's needs can be a challenge.
And yet...if I close my eyes and step back in time to my old apartment or my condo, walk in my own footsteps through my day into my night...eating alone, watching television alone, sleeping alone...I shutter. It seems so empty. I can't imagine - don't want to imagine - my life without Tom in it. The sound of the television when I'm writing doesn't seem as irritating to me. Instead (especially muffled by a pair of earplugs) it's a comforting sound, an assurance that I'm not alone.
I have friends who never had a hermit time - they've never experienced living in a quiet place all their own. All alone. They long for an imagined freedom of no ties, no one to answer to but themselves.
I've had some friends who resorted to divorce to appease their neglected hermits. In most cases, being alone wasn't as wonderful as they imagined it would be. Most are soon searching for a companion to fill up that empty space...someone to come home to, to check on them, to know and care if they're alive or dead.
Many of my friends and family members are dealing with life alone right now...not by their choosing, but because of job separations, divorce, death of a spouse, or, as in my friend Julie's case, Alzheimer's. She shared some of her thoughts about this place in her life - a place she never anticipated - that reminded me to hug Tom daily, to grab his hand when he's near, to tell him I love you, I appreciate you, I'm glad you share my life, because I might not be able to the day after. Life is unpredictable.
She graciously gave me permission to share some of them here with you. I tried to choose just a small part, but couldn't. She expresses her feelings so eloquently, so honestly, that I've shared almost the whole note. It is well worth the few minutes it takes to read. Thank you, Julie!
My heart goes out to her and to my other friends and family members, to everyone who is walking the path alone right now. I pray that their footsteps are guided straight onto the pathway of another's who will fill some of that overwhelming aloneness, as mine were guided onto Tom's so long ago.
Thoughts and Questions from Julie...
Loneliness is a real feeling...and losing David to Alzheimer's has truly left a void in my heart and life....I am not sure how that will be filled but I pray and believe there is more out there for me.
...my dreams were to be a good wife and mother...I believe I have accomplished that! I am still being the good wife and even though the kids may have some comments, they had a pretty good upbringing...not deprived of too many things...LOL...but now what do I do..I guess I did not set my goals high enough...surely I have not done all I was put on this earth to do? I am re-evaluating and praying that there is more...and that I am entitled to more happiness...I guess I am a little more selfish these days...maybe it is "MY" time...not sure what all that means...questioning many things....David is content where he is...safe and cared for by me, family, friends and the wonderful place he is. Keep us in your prayers....pray that I figure out some things...and I am asking that you pray that I have some new happiness in my future...
I love my family and kids...and we raised them to be independent and happy...and I see that happening...David and I did a good job there!..I do go and do more things these days...according to my daughter and her husband, I am never home...but that is not true...I try to do more and stay as busy as I can....I go to dinner with friends occasionally...I ride my bike...I bowled over the summer.
I even went on vacation with a friend...it was great and lonely at the same time...even she talked of missing her husband and he would have loved to be there...at least he was at home waiting on her...lucky girl!
..but the truth is I am home a lot..alone...and it is very sad...I am lonely when I at home....and home was where you hurried home each day to share the day...good or bad with that special other half..that supported you no matter what....that would get in the car to go somewhere, anywhere no questions asked..that knew your thoughts and needs...and you trusted and depended on....I no longer have that comfort....last night after I went to bed my mind kept wondering...round and round....of the day and weekend I just had....I was thinking if I fall or get sick who will be there...what if I die in my sleep, ok I guess that would not really matter I would be gone...but what if I needed someone in a pinch...there is no one there...
I am not afraid to be by myself...I just DO NOT like being by myself....What are my options....I do not want to move in with family..and do not want to burden family with them thinking they have to look after me.. but I do like them checking on me..I am thankful they are close by....I do not want to take in a renter....I like my independence...
I know there are many people out there alone and friends that understand this....I did not chose this, it was chosen for me....now I have to figure out what is next....When people talk of empty nest as their kids move on....I always knew David and I would have fun....but this is not what I planned for....we are suppose to share our lives with someone....
How do you do this...I am open for suggestions....I do like some individual time to do just what I want...and I would have done that with David here...but when it is more than not...it is not so good...I am just searching for what is next I guess....
It has been almost a year since I placed David at the Pine Tree Cottages. He is very content and safe. This has been a blessing even with the financial issues as we are both better. But in the last year has also been hard.
As I was visiting David yesterday we were sitting outside with another resident and his son....the son was talking to his dad trying to get a glimpse of something...asking him "Dad do your remember when..." just hoping for something...
I understand this as we do it with David all the time...his dad is in his mid 80's...I was sitting there wishing I had David healthy until he was in his 80's that would have given us 30+ more years...a life time....
ok, yes this was starting to be one of my pity parties and selfish moments...but dang it....I get sad from time to time...I try to hold it together, but the truth is I sink really fast...
I guess because it is coming up on the year since we made the move there is just a lot going through my mind. I also watched a very touching movie that was sentimental and sad yesterday..and stuff like that really triggers my emotions....and wow songs can do it in a minute....I am upbeat most of the time, but in a flash I can be sappy!....
Wow - I have rambled again! It just seems easier to put it down than say it sometimes...I am not a writer, hence why the words jump all round and do not have a smooth flow...but that is me...all over the place and confused!
I am OK...
Searching for answers....
Psalms 39:7 "But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you."
